Day 13/30 What kind of person attracts you?

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Superficially, I am attracted to the above people. Who knows really what they are like in real life, but to look at them in the films they are in and the pictures that are taken of them. They are aesthetically attractive people.

But I am not a superficial person, and whilst I may be attracted to people in a shallow manner, the fact is that there is a lot that a person has to be in order for there to be an attraction, whether sexual or not.

For me one of the key qualities that a person needs to have is integrity. I am not always very good at sussing this out and believe people are like this when in fact they are not. This is probably partly down to my mental health issues and the experiences I have had growing up. However, those people who I let into my life and consider to be real friends all have integrity.

I have been surrounded by superficial people, lies and betrayal most of my life and they are things which I cannot abide. I despise these types of people because they don’t care about anyone else other than what they can gain from using others.

Having a friendship on a two-way street is an essential part of having any type of relationship. I have found that having a friendship of any kind doesn’t work for me if it is a one way street. Sharing, giving and taking are really important to me. I feel vulnerable when it is me doing the sharing and giving, I don’t feel like the other person trusts me or I feel that I am being used. It can make me feel paranoid and anxious and have begun to find that such relationships create the need for me to build walls up and protect myself. They are not healthy and I don’t like them.

What’s really attractive about a person is their ability to be non-judgmental, open-minded and most importantly accepting. When someone like this comes into my life I am often sceptical at first and take my time to believe that this person is real. In the past year I have met a few people who are like this and have made some good solid friendships. Friendships where I can be myself, they can be themselves and where there is a mutual give and take thing going on.

There are also obviously some less important things, but interests, tastes, beliefs all play a role in whether someone is attractive or not. I do not like selfish people, those who do not see beyond their own world, those who a critical of others or have an over-inflated ego. One of my closest friends turns out to be someone whose personality has developed into someone whom I cannot stand. Being over-opinionated is also something I cannot bear. People who don’t listen and think that they have all the answers infuriate me. Those who meet you for five minutes and have already decided what’s going on and how you are going to deal with things or whatever. People who blow their own trumpet or who attention seek over things annoy me too.

I was thinking about the people in my life that are my friends and it’s a little amusing (to me at any rate). Most of my good friends are extroverts. They are loud and fun, not frightened of saying what’s what and will always be honest with me no matter what. I would consider myself as a little more introverted. I can be outgoing and loud, but generally I am not. I am shy and quiet. I HATE being the centre of attention and will avoid it at all costs. BUT, my husband, he is like me. He is quiet and reserved, he trusts slowly and doesn’t let people in his life easily. It strikes me as being funny because I have these friends who are the complete opposite in many respects from my husband and me…why is that?

Perhaps it is because whilst it is nice to have friends who are loud, bubbly and fun, when it comes to it, I am more quiet and having to be loud all the time is not something I do well with. It’s tiring, I feel like am performing rather than being myself sometimes and just chilling is really nice to do. That said, most of my ‘old’ friends I don’t really hear from any more. The friends I have today are those whom I met last year and have mental health diagnosis. They may be loud and bubbly, but they can also be quiet, happy to stay in and have a cup of tea rather than rushing around and drinking loads. They have also seen me when I have been a bit manic and they have seen me when I have been at my lowest. They accept me for who I am and I accept them for who they are. They do not make me feel like I have to pretend to be someone I am not, they don’t tell me to “snap out of it” or “pull yourself together” because they understand that this is not easily done. They are there for the laughs and good times, but more importantly they are there during the hard times.

Today, having people in my life who understand mental health, who understand me is more important than anything else. Finally I am being accepted by a few people for all that I am. My sexuality, interests, limitations, expectations and most of all for my BPD.

 

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4 thoughts on “Day 13/30 What kind of person attracts you?

  1. The most important thing for me is acceptance. Though I really only have one friend who I truly feel accepts me completely. Only because I have allowed her to see all of me too. I also have better friendships with those with health issues because there’s that mutual understanding. There is no guilt if you have to cancel plans because you know they get it. They don’t try and solve your problems, they just let you be you. Unfortunately my MIL is one of those ‘snap out of it’ people and it drives me crazy. It’s a flippant response. Anyway, really enjoyed reading this. Thanks!

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    • Acceptance is so important. I accept people but finding those who accept me is so much harder so when someone does I find it shocking!!

      I can’t stand my MIL. She’s very superficial, judgemental and incredibly narcisstic. Fortunately hubby doesn’t like her either so she’s not involved in our life anymore.

      Having a group of friends with Mh issues has been the one thing that has really been good this year. It’s so nice to have some acceptance and understanding instead of having to wear a mask constantly. I am glad you have that friend who can accept you for all that you are. 🙂

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      • I’m very open minded but terribly curious. And that curiosity leads me to having to know everything and trying to figure people out. I’m working on that at the moment. I only know how I feel, not how everyone else feels. Though I get a huge buzz from thinking I have someone figured out.

        My MIL isn’t in our lives either, but I can see that it’s crushing my husband. He’s seeing a therapist in about a month so I’m not sure if that will change things. It hurts me to know that it’s causing him so much pain.

        My friend is amazing. She knows absolutely everything about me. She’s always been there for me and I’ve always been there for her. Being accepted so unconditionally is something I’m constantly looking for because I didn’t receive unconditional love as a child.

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      • I am very like you! People have so many interesting facts about themselves that tend to get hidden away by the need to hide who they really are. Getting to know people for who they are inside is fascinating and I too am always curious. However, I am also incredibly open and honest and tend to let people in before I know them properly and this ultimately leads me to making mistakes and getting hurt. So I am learning to be more curious about people before I open myself up to them, which is hard and I still open up too much, but I am getting there slowly.

        My MIL was a terrible mother to my husband for a billion reasons and he has no time for her at all because of it. I have seen him let her in and try to allow her to be more involved with his life, but she manages to mess it up by rejecting him in some ways and making him feel like he is not worth the effort. She is narcissistic and this has become more apparent as the years have rolled on by and she has tried to cause issues between me and my husband when there is no need to.

        The searching for that unconditional love is something I do too. I dont feel like I had it unconditional love as a child either. I feel that I needed to live up to other people’s expectations in order to have any and I always fell short. Today, I still feel that way, but feel that there are people who do at least accept me, whether its unconditional, I don’t really know.

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