Losing control

Getting support is sometimes really hard and getting people to truly understand what is happening is even harder. There is a lot that is happening in my life currently with the aim of helping me and my family to get through this period whilst I am unwell and not managing. However, I feel like I am losing control of my life, all these strangers are suddenly involved making decisions about what we need and what we can and can’t do. I feel like I am no longer an autonomous adult but like a teenager that has been given a set of boundaries to live within.

I want to scream at them to all go away and to leave me alone. I have been an adult for 16 years and have by all accounts been through quite a lot of shit during that time and never received any help or support. NOW, I am being told that I have to do this and that, whilst also having my whole being put under a microscope and told that this is wrong and I need to do more or less of something. Whatever it is, my life no longer feels like it is mine. I no longer have any control over things and this is making me very anxious and paranoid not to mention that my moods and general mental health just seem to be like a giants spider’s web.

I was informed that the social worker is coming to see us next week. This is the first I have heard of this and I have no idea when she is coming. Then there is a combined meeting thing on the 11th Nov which will have all the ‘professionals’ that are working with us in attendance. I am being ordered to do this course and that course, being told that I need to sort out my addiction to co-codamol and that I need to put my DBT skills into practice.

My concentration levels are ridiculous. I can be in the middle of doing something and am easily distracted by some other random thought that pops into my head. I literally forget what I was doing or why I have gone some place. It’s stupid and is driving me mad. I am just losing myself right now. Daily I feel like I am going more and more insane.

I am still in here, I can still think (just about) and I have great moments of being lucid, but they are rapidly replaced by incoherent thoughts and paranoia that race around my head like they are in a hurry to be heard and utilised and if they aren’t they come back even louder with more demand that I pay attention to them.

Today has been slightly weird and is still weird. I was annoyed this morning following a brief chat with the home-school link lady. Our finances, what we do with the children in terms of asking my eldest to babysit are all suddenly included in this microscope….I felt really agitated and fucked off by it all.

I couldn’t calm myself down so I took some co-codamol which made me feel really stoned and made my head quiet down.

Now that it’s worn off I feel slightly manic. My hands are all itchy and I have this urge to just go and run and not stop. My muscles and nerves just feel electric and convulsing energy that I really has no place to go. My head is thinking so fast I can’t keep up. It’s just racing. Not with negative thoughts, but with plans, ideas, things I want to do, places I want to see. I have already spent my husbands pay packet for the week inside my head – thankfully the money is in his account otherwise I would have spent it. Colours seem really vivid, sounds are loud, music has to be upbeat, trance is best in this mood.

I feel really alive and feel like I could literally do anything. It’s a great feeling. My eyes feel wide and alert like I am taking everything in for the first time.

But, underneath there is still the feeling of uselessness, of powerlessness. I am still agitated and have the desire to hurt myself to stop the itchy, tingly feeling in my hands and arms. Whilst I have all this energy inside I am also still anxious and paranoid. I could open my front door and go for a run (not that I ever run – so its bizarre in itself) but there is an overwhelming sense of fear which prevents me from just going out of the door. I don’t want to go out the door. I am safer inside. No one can hurt me inside my house, no one can watch me, stare at me, judge me. I can be safe in my house. There are also no dogs in my house, another huge fear…a debilitating fear that stops me going to most places. they seem to be everywhere these days.

Even writing this I can feel the conflict of my thoughts, the annoyance that I have an urge to do one thing but a fear doing that. I have scary urges too. I fight these really hard, but they are really strong today and the only thing that is stopping me right now is the fact that I don’t want to lose my children, I don’t want to be admitted into hospital and I really want the social workers to leave me in peace. So i am fighting them with everything I have but it’s also making everything feel so much louder in my head.

I don’t know if any of this makes any sense, I am confused by all these conflicting thoughts and feelings. I really wish I would have one or the other so that I could just do one thing and make my head quiet again. I like it when its quiet…co-codamol makes it quiet, so does alcohol…I have no alcohol so think that I will take some more co-codamol in the hope that perhaps my head will stop with all these racing thoughts and calm it down.

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