Day 11/30 – Bullet your whole day

Thursday 2nd October

7.30am – Alarm went off

8.15am – Woke with a start, could hear my alarm going off but couldn’t find my phone anywhere. Middle child had taken it. Running late to get kids to breakfast club.

8.25am – Drive kids to school for breakfast club

8.35am – At home, debated whether to wash hair, have to go to Parenting Puzzle for 9.15. Took morning meds, decided to have a quick shower.

9.15am – Leave home to get to Parenting puzzle

9.30am – Feeling apprehensive about the course, last week was boring, seemed to be more aimed at mums and dads with little kids.

11.10am – Got talking to one of the young mums on the course. We have a lot in common despite 15 years difference in age. Disclosed my mental health to her. Seem to get on well with the younger mums. Feeling that the discussion within the group was actually good. Was about family rules. I make rules but because I have no energy the kids break me down until I give in. Going to write family rules over the weekend with the kids and discuss what their rewards will be and penalties. Think that this will be something that will help me to keep on top of things, what is said and what isn’t. Was a good session and I am glad I went.

11.30am – Drive to counselling for 12pm

12pm – Counselling. This is the first session we have talked about the past. Not about abuse but about my mother and my family. How I felt, how I feel now. It was a tough session for me because I don’t like talking about it. And the counsellor was good at listening but she also said some things about my mum’s behaviour which suggested that my mum had perhaps not meant to be this way with me. I found that very hard to hear and don’t know how to process it. I want to believe that what my counsellor was saying is true, but it doesn’t undo how I feel about my childhood or even repair my relationship with her. Am I being too hard on her? I don’t know what to think right now.

1.15pm – Stopped on my way home to see my friend who has bipolar and having a tough time right now. Was great to see her. Drank tea, had a couple of fags. Was just so nice to see a real friend who gets my head and I get hers. We had a giggle and it helped me to relax a bit.

3.00pm – Anxiety levels rising because it was time to leave and do the school run. The school run makes me feel overwhelmed because of all the people, big and little! Felt sick and my heart was racing. I got to the school, my son wanted to me to talk to his friends mum, he is going to play at his friend’s house after school tomorrow. Talked with another mum who I have been friends with for a couple of years and haven’t seen for a while.

3.35pm – Feeling emotionally and mentally shattered. Want to hide in bed for a little bit and have a nap before making dinner. Kids have been arguing over the bike. Had a cup of tea and cigarette.

3.40pm – Daughter is not happy about the bike, comes back in from outside, as she does she shuts her finger in the door. Look after her.

3.45pm – Daughter goes back outside to play, ask for her to get my son….she can’t find him. Tell her to check at neighbours houses to see if he’s gone into one of them.

3.50pm – We can’t find him. Panic is being to set in. Neighbour offers to help me look. We are shouting for him but there is no sign of him. Feel sick, scared. Head goes to the worst places.

4.00pm – we are looking everywhere for him, I am driving my car looking around places I know that the kids like to go and play at. More neighbours have been asked if they have seen them. Eldest daughter is walking to see if she can spot him and stops people to ask. I stop people and ask them if they have seen my son.

4.30 pm He is found by my eldest daughter. He was at a neighbour’s house but didn’t hear us calling for him. The relief is unreal. I just breakdown and cry. I still feel sick, I am shaking like I leaf and feel like I am in shock.

4.50 pm – Husband arrives home from work, he’s meant to be working until 9.15pm but I called him about our son and so he has come home. We have a massive hug…he looks grey too. No arguing, no blame. Just shock, relief and the need for us all to be together tonight.

5 – 9pm – We have family conversation regarding rules for playing outside. It is emotional for all of us. We are not in a state to cook so we order takeaway and watch a movie. Whilst we wait for food to arrive, I sit on hubbys lap and snuggle we have a long cuddle. It’s the closest we have been for many months. He notices that I am a lot lighter, but he and I are also just us for those 20 mins or so. Kids are laughing at things and we are just a family.

When movie starts I have snuggles with my son. He surprised both me and hubby in that he made tea for us, bloody good cup of tea and he made himself one too! Was a wonderful time together. Kids put to bed at 9pm.

10.30pm – Kids are still awake. Still in shock about what had happened earlier. My youngest daughter is in tears about it. We have more cuddles and talk about things. Manage to get them to sleep.

Not sure what time I went to bed, but I had a chat with my friend via texts…Feeling mixed emotions about the day.  A lot happened today and I can’t describe my mood. I haven’t for a couple of days. I don’t feel well, but I feel more determined to fight and get well. I feel determined to make sure that my children will grow up and have good memories of me, of their dad, of the things we did. I don’t want them to remember me as always being ill, always in bed, not going out and doing things. I don’t want that for them. I am scared about how I am going to achieve this. I don’t know how to get to this goal.

Sleep comes to me later tonight, can only sleep because I take zopiclone, but it’s not peaceful sleep. And without it, I don’t sleep.

A day in my life – a busy and emotional day.

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