Today has been a truly emotional day for so many reasons. I haven’t been on Twitter because for once, I really can’t talk about it.
This post tonight, I am trying to distract myself from everything that’s going on. Im trying to believe that my life is not about to completely collapse, that my marriage and friendship with the one man who has ever truly been there for me is not about to end. I am trying to believe that the foundation that we had from the start is going to be strong enough to see us through the mess that has happened today.
Many people, my friends, have been concerned about my mental state. And it’s fair to say that I am probably the worst I’ve been, but I am also still making progress because as one of the friends i made on the STEPPS course said, I am asking for help, I am telling people when I am not coping and this is something I have never really done before. She reminded me of that. She was also there today with hugs when I needed them the most. It’s truly been the most hideous afternoon I have had in a long time and it’s not finished yet. I am a complete mess.
I have hurt myself a lot in the last 24 hours. I poured hot water over my hand last night. Partial accident, partially deliberate. This afternoon I cut my arms for the first time in just under 4 months. I can’t handle what’s happening right now…and this is beyond my control and I am petrified. Truly petrified.