My head hurts. I am so tired. The noise everywhere hurts my head. The noises and voices i hear won’t stop. They hiss and scream at me. Get angry with me. They don’t want me to talk any more. They want me to cut and to take my pills until there’s no more left and no place left to cut. It feels like my head is being taken over by dark forces. I just feel so heavy and tired. I don’t have any energy to keep fighting them. They are so loud. I don’t know where to go or who to turn to. Those I’ve trusted have deceived me and now I have nowhere to go. No one to tell. They don’t believe me anyway, they don’t really care. No one really cares. I am too negative, too broken, too fucked up to really bother with. Its always been this way. People have always just blown in and out of my life. No one really truly stays. My husband only stays because financially it is easier, but I don’t know if he loves me any more. How can anyone love someone so dark and filled with demons. They are in my head, telling me that I should burn myself with my cigarette or pour the boiling hotwater over my hand instead of in the cup. They tell me to hurt myself all the time and when i don’t they hiss at me. They are angry with me. I never do anything right. I don’t do what they want so they make my head hurt more. But they are right, I can’t trust anyone any more. I have to be careful about what I say. I have to be careful about everything. I get agitated so easily. Noises of any type seem amplified and drive my head mad. Food, it’s evil and I don’t want any, there is enough evil inside of me why would I want any more? It makes me ill. I don’t want to be ill. So it’s safer not to eat. Its safer not to go out. Safer to hide away. Safer not to say anything to anyone. No one listens anyway. Its safer not to trust anyone, the only person i can trust is myself, but I can’t do that any more. I can’t cope any more. I can’t manage any more. I am so so tired. Everyone has disappeared. I’m just too much…people are seeing that now. They don’t talk to me in case i make them crazy too. I am too much hard work. And now my words are running out. Another cigarette and hope that some how some way i can quieten the noise in my head.

One thought on “

  1. I do hope the noise has quieted down for you, darling. Please know, even far away, there are people that do care and are concerned. You are never alone ❤️


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