Banging my head against a brick wall

*TRIGGER WARNING*  Contains thoughts about SELF HARM

It feels like I am constantly banging my head against a brick wall at the moment. I don’t know what the “professionals” are wanting me to say to them. I am fed up with the same bullshit attitude not now helped by the fact that my psychiatrist went behind my back and contacted social services, my care co-ordinator is leaving at the end of the month so I won’t see her again and fuck knows who will take over.

I was honest about EVERYTHING today and I feel like I need to scream at them…yes, I have a horrible past but so do many people, but my mental health is not just about the fucking past. I don’t think about it all the fucking time. Yes, there are triggers which will take me back, but it’s mainly at night that the past haunts me. BUT the rest of how I am feeling is in the HERE AND NOW….PLEASE SOMEONE FUCKING LISTEN TO ME.

I am struggling with the present. My head is so chaotic that I have no idea what’s going on. I just don’t want to have to deal with any of this stuff, not because I hate my family or because I am a special case…nothing like that….MY HEAD JUST CAN’T  COPE.

Simply put I don’t feel like my head is my head right now. Nothing makes sense, I struggle with the smallest of tasks. I can’t focus for long and I am seeing, hearing and smelling things that no one else can. I am super paranoid about lots of things. But if you ask me straight out what my mind goes blank. The only things I know for sure are that I feel like I am being watched all the time. The smallest noise makes me jump. I am scared of my own frigging shadow. The only place I feel safe is in my bed, which is where I am now. I can’t handle being in the living room or anywhere else in the house. Right at the moment in time I have the shakes, I feel like the nerves in my arms are on fire. I have to keep tensing my hands into fists because I want to cut. I have an eyebrow piercing which came out the other day. I’ve only had it a couple of months, trying to get it back in I made it bleed and it dripped down my face. The relief and comfort that the small trickle gave me was unreal. I have the urge to cut right now. I am trying to fight it but it’s really really hard…

I don’t know what I am meant to be doing. I am concerned that my diagnosis is solely based on my past and that they have missed what is happening in the present. How I am now….I can’t explain it, I don’t know how to explain it other than I don’t feel well mentally. My head feels like it’s about to burst open with all the pressure, the noise and the chaos.

After my meeting with the care co-ordinator I didn’t want to come home and be by myself. My friend came to pick me up and we went back to hers. She had the same psychiatrist initially and found her to be useless. She is unimpressed with the meds I am on and doesn’t get what the shrink is doing and the low doses she has put me on. My friend has seen me go through all number of different phases as she was part of the STEPPS group and is one of the only really good things to have come out of those 6 months that we had to go.

I was scared after my meeting this morning what I was going to do with myself once hubby had left for work. I feel terrified about being on my own but I want to be on my own at the same time. I am taking stupid amounts of cocodamol in the evenings to make my head quiet. The quetiapine doesn’t seem to do anything unless i take a zopiclone tablet. Then it knocks me out and fairly quickly. Last night I took the quetiapine at 9pm, I was still awake at 2am….is this normal?????

I ran out of zopiclone at the weekend and haven’t had any because I am trying really hard not to become reliant on them and get myself addicted. But I put in for a new script at the beginning of the week and now have more co-codamol and zopiclone. I also have a mixer for the vodka in my fridge and I feel like getting wasted tonight. I am not hungry. I just feel like I need to go somewhere else right now. I want to cut my arms and see the blood and I want to get drunk and stoned and just not have to think, or hear or see anything. I don’t care about anything any more. I want my arms to stop feeling this tingling and my legs. I want to make the voices shut the fuck up. I want someone TO GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ME AND HELP….I feel like I am losing myself and no matter what I say no one is listening….no one is fucking hearing what I am saying…..

Borderline personality disorder…..WHAT A FUCKING NASTY CUNT OF AN ILLNESS.



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