It’s really hard to explain or describe how I am feeling right now other than the fact that I dont feel well. My head is a complete jumble and I can’t make sense of anything. It’s not the past causing this either. It’s the here and the now. I don’t feel well because of now. I don’t really know what to do with myself. I am so tired all the time but I can’t sleep well. I have zero energy to do anything at all. I literally cannot read much at all, even writing is becoming harder. I just can’t think straight. I feel so lonely and completely empty. I am useless at pretty much everything. I don’t want to be a mum right now, not because i don’t love my kids, I do love them with all my heart, I just cant cope with the responsibility. I cant handle the bills, the shopping, having to go to meetings. I just feel that I want to stay at home, hide away. I feel like I am a freak. I have moments when i seem to lose touch completely with reality and its scary, I believe that this is what happened when I had the car accident. I want to cut, I want to make myself feel. I just dont feel right now, I feel like I am dead inside. I really dont have a single thing left to give to anyone. I feel like I should perhaps be in hospital now, but I can’t go. My marriage is stressed enough without that being chucked on top and the kids wouldnt handle it very well either. I can’t do it because I care about them and dont want to cause them any more disruption. But i know that I want someone to look after me, to help me. I cant do this….I really cant. I have not felt this unwell in a long time, but I feel like I am getting ready to crash and I am not sure how thats going to look.


One thought on “Crashing?

  1. crashing in the hospital is a lot safer than crashing at home. You may not want to put your kids or marriage through the stress of hospitalization but they are probably noticing your symptoms as you are home and they are affecting them too. I use to worry about my parents when I’d be hospitalized, they really didn’t like the concept at first, but now they feel a sort of relief like someone is taking care of me and they don’t have to.


share your thoughts

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s