Today, all I want to do is sit and cry. I feel exhausted and incredibly emotional. A well-intentioned friend just called me to find out how I am. She asked me to tell her two good things about today. So, the kids are in school and the sun is shining. Then I was allowed to tell her how shit the world is….but I don’t think the world is shit. I do know that there is a lot to do and see, but life is not that simple.
Trying to see the positives is really hard, I don’t know if this is due to the medication that I am on or whether it’s really part of my illness, but I just want to curl up and not think or feel anything. I have this deep, dark, empty feeling inside which I try to fight each and everyday, but it just feels like it’s growing in size rather than getting smaller.
The support network is really small, I have no help from my family or hubby’s family. My dad helps as much as he can, but he is getting on in years so the physical support that I could sometimes use is not there. My friends, a small number with most living a long way from me having grown up and moved away from London.
I feel really isolated, like I am a burden on people and that they have had enough of me so I feel myself shutting down. The fear of being rejected and abandoned is huge currently. I feel anxious and paranoid about the people in my life. I have been a fairly private person for a long time, and suddenly here I am sharing my life with complete strangers. It is my choice to share, but there are times when I feel so open and vulnerable that I wonder if I am doing the right thing or not. I still have my anonymity and that helps sometimes, but those who have got to know me better, this is not quite the case any more. I feel like I have perhaps opened myself up too much, that I have come to rely on friendships too much and that I have a created another problem all of its own.
I get very anxious about friendships, I am super paranoid about how I am seen, what people think. Whether they really care or if they are out to get me. I panic over things I have said, worry about obsessively about how they are, what they are thinking and feeling. I care about their opinions and listen to their advice. But this is also a time where I get lost. I am not sure what it is that I want. I don’t know that I really understand how friendship works because it never seems to go the way I imagine it should go. So I feel like I am in a constant mess and always on edge and worried about what is going to be said or done.
Today, I feel truly dreadful. I am very, very tired. I am struggling to keep my eyes open as I type this. I am feel anxious and paranoid about friendships and I feel like just shutting down and blocking everyone and everything out. I am scared of losing friends, I am scared of not being good enough, of being a bad friend, not being smart enough or plain and simple, just not being wanted or needed.
I have zero confidence in myself right now, I feel like I am a total waste of space and that there is very little that I do right now that is worth anything. I hate the fact that I burst into tears at the drop of a hat, that I my levels of social inadequacy and social desirability are so bad. I am starting to feel like there is no one I can really trust. I feel isolated and fearful of everything. I do feel like I am losing the plot. I feel like I am just running around in pathetic little circles in the vain hope that something will be right, that I haven’t made a mistake, that I am not charging at 90 mph at something which is real to me but actually is just in my head.
I don’t feel well. I feel agitated, frustrated, annoyed, angry, tearful, depressed, overly anxious about everything and particularly paranoid about family, friends and those who are working with me in a professional capacity. I feel like I just want to hide away and not speak to anyone, but at the same time, I crave to talk to people. It’s a catch 22 and its making my head spin. I just don’t know what to do right now, I just know that I am getting to the point where I am not sure how much more I can take and that scares me. I don’t want to hurt anyone, but right now the thought of being able just to lie in a bed and stare out the window and not have to talk to or care about anyone is all I really want. Crazy talk huh?