Real life doesn’t seem real any more. It feels like I am watching it through a grey fog. Its never clear any more. I don’t even know if I would recognise it if I saw it through clear eyes. I am not sure that I would want to.
I feel completely lost tonight. I don’t know what happened today and I am scared by it. Its not the first time that I have seen something happen and then avoided it at the last minute. Today I didn’t see it. I just carried on. I am lucky we were in a car park and the car that I hit was parked. I am lucky that although it seemed really fast in reality it probably wasn’t as fast as it felt.
What I can’t get rid of of is the noise. The feeling of panic and at the same time really not giving a crap. I am horrified that i felt like that. My oldest baby was in the car with me…what the fuck was I thinking. Honestly I don’t know and it makes me feel sick.
I feel like I have lost touch with what’s real around me and what isn’t. I don’t know how to be like this. I don’t know what I want any more. I would like to just spend all my time off my face. Just not feeling anything. A looney bin might be the best place for me.
Life just seems to be zooming past me so fast. I have so many ideas and plans racing around my head about all the things I would like to do, all the things I would like to see. But I dont think that any of it is ever going to happen. I feel like a loser. Watching the world from the outside unable to quite get my foot onto the ground. Its there, tantalisingly close but just when I think I have reached it and can set my foot down, its taken away and there is nowhere safe to go,
Tonight nothing is real any more. I don’t know anything any more. I feel like I am watching myself interact with my family. Fake smiles, fake laughs. I feel like a complete fraud. I am sick of bitching about the sorry state of my life. There are people out there who deal with so much worse than me yet suck it up. Get on with it. But now I try and do that and I just fuck up. I want to be better, but how can I when I don’t know whats real and whats not. I dont know if I am seeing things properly or not. I dont feel right in the head.
I closed down my twitter a few minutes ago. Not sure why. Just want to scream. Want to get off my face. I dont want to feel anything ever again. no one knowing me, caring about me….it would be all so much easier if no one did. Wouldnt it? Just disappear into the void….