Internally I am dying, I want the pain and the darkness to just go away and leave me be. I don’t want to feel scared and alone, hopeless and lost any more.
Externally, I wear a mask which hides the pain I feel. The rest is invisible to everyone else other than me. The only way anyone would really know is if they were to look into my eyes.
I feel rejected. A damaged and broken piece of flesh that has no right to want to feel loved or wanted.
As a child from whenever it started to the day that I told my abuser no more, I was wanted. Sexually I was desirable. When I felt abandoned and rejected by my family I knew that someone would want me. Someone would touch me and make me feel alive instead of a waste of space and air. Someone needed me, if only for a short amount of time, I was worth something to someone.
In my teens, I had more freedom, I made my own choices. My choice was to fuck around and not give a shit about anything. I drank, got high and got fucked by whoever and in whatever way it was going to be. I didn’t care. It wasn’t like it was everyday or even every week. It wasn’t. It was normally after being made to feel like I was in the way, again.
Being raped, sometimes night after night, by your own husband is soul-destroying. I believed that I didn’t deserve more. I was worthless, pathetic and weak. No one would ever want me. I was damaged.
Today…today I feel trapped in a life that has no direction. With emotions that just runaway with themselves. I feel sometimes empty and alone and then at other times overwhelmed by the noise and the chaos that surrounds me. I want to hide away and not feel anything. I don’t want to hear voices telling me what I should do, or see the images that cross my eyes night after night. I don’t want to feel the pain of the little girl I remember so well, the fear she felt when she couldn’t inhale enough oxygen and the room would get hazy and fuzzy.
Today, I am married but to someone who doesn’t know me any more. Who knows that our relationship is disappearing, who doesn’t like everything that I do. Who gets impatient with me for the smallest thing. Who doesn’t want to know about what’s really going on for me. Who just sees that his wife and his best friend is nowhere to be seen…but she’s inside here, begging for him to hold her tight and love her. To hold her whilst she finds peaceful sleep. But it never happens. He loves her, she sees that. But the spark, that magic that was there, its been blown out for now and whether it’s ever relit, who can say.
Today, I am not only in love with my husband, but I am also in love with a woman. Its complicated like everything in my life ever has been and its frustrating. I don’t want to be a whore and go out to clubs and find random women to have a quickie with. I don’t even think I want a proper relationship with a woman, which sounds terrible. I think that deep inside I want a ‘friends-with-benefits’ kind of thing with a woman who doesn’t want to be with a woman all the time either. I feel cheap and nasty for saying that, but the woman I like knows this about me. She knows that I will never leave my husband and that this is all I want. But like I said it is complicated. I get angry and irritated with myself for having feelings like this, where there is nowhere to let go of them. She is deeply compassionate, intelligent, funny, I feel like there is nothing I can’t tell her, that she will never judge me and that I can simply be me with her, in my life this is rare. But I have also done crazy things in an attempt to make her jealous. My head is filled with thoughts of her all the time. I know though that these feelings, this deep love I have for her, is not, at this moment reciprocated. I know she cares about me and loves me as her friend. Perhaps the truth is I need to see that she ismay never be able to give me what I want and that I need to find a way to see her in a different light. But I can’t just switch my feelings off. I wish I could, life wouldn’t be so fucking complicated.
On top of these feeling there is also the fact that I was, for what its worth, raised to believe that you fell in love with one person at a time. That adultery was a sin and that I would go to hell or whatever if I should do something so bad. Well, I am not religious in the slightest not to mention the fact that it feels like I am living in hell anyway. But I do struggle with the fact that I made vows to my husband and he believes them very firmly. I did, now I am no longer sure what I think. I have not changed my last name to his after my first marriage and now I am thinking of sleeping with a woman and breaking my vows. But I don’t want a man. I don’t want a man to touch me right now I am so triggered. I was triggered again last night/this morning and the idea of a cock anywhere near me right now, to be frank I could quite easily cut it off. It just makes me angry, really, really angry.
Last night I got mad with myself. For something I did the night before. I wanted to sext with this woman because I was feeling really lonely and really wanted her to want me too. I sent her some pictures (not of me) in the hope something might happen…it didn’t inside my head I felt rejected. I got mad with her for not wanting me and with me for even going there. What the hell had I been thinking. So I and to just go to bed and be done with it for the night. I tried my hardest to be rational and calm, but I couldn’t and just wound up calm feeling agitated and lost. I went onto Twitter and spoke to some friends which helped calm me a bit. Then last night I found out that something had happened with her and I got mad, really mad. It was pure jealousy and frustration at not being the right sex and I was angry at myself for wanting something that I couldn’t have and that I had been so fucking foolish to send her the pictures in the first place. And then everything just suddenly came at me. All the things I have been trying to fight just engulfed me and I just didn’t know what to do. I wanted to scream, I wanted to tear my heart out, to cut myself so badly. The tears just fell and inside all I thought was that as a child I was wanted, I was needed, I was used. Now as an adult, no one wants me. I am broken and damaged and not worth loving.
I took my meds but I took an overdose of co-codamol. Not because of what had happened with the woman, but because I just didn’t want to think any more. In the past few months I have done a lot of things I am not very proud of, which in fact I am mortified about. I didn’t take enough own to do much more other than get me high. But I drank a large amount of alcohol too and was as far as my psychiatrist is concerned now in crisis. I have taken several overdoses in the last few weeks. They are not necessarily to kill myself, some of them just to shut my head up. Last night was deliberate to just make the pain inside go away.
This morning I saw my psychiatrist. It was a planned meeting, but probably just as well as the temptation last night to do anything more was very inviting. She told me that she no longer trusted me to have all my meds and that I would now only be prescribed a weeks supply of all of the things I need. So not enough to do much damage at all. Currently I know I have enough to do a lot of damage. And I am tempted.
For years I have managed to deal with the past and I have made the best of things. Now suddenly I can’t do that.
There are so many things that I am dealing with, being bisexual is truly one thing I could have done without. I don’t mind it, but having to fall in love and have yet more feelings to work through, that I could have done without. I actually don’t fall in love easily. I don’t trust people, I suspect the worst before I see the best. But the woman who I love, I cannot explain what it is or why it happened. I don’t understand it any more than I can explain the love for my husband. It is what it is.
I hate myself for being so weak. For being so incapable of dealing with my emotions. I feel like a child who has the understanding of something but doesn’t have the words or the ability to deal with whatever it is. I feel like my brain is having a temper tantrum. I know the past is in the past, I know that I am living now as a 35-year-old married with kids. I know that I am sexually attracted to women but how the hell do I deal with this when I am married. My hubby and I have discussed this and he has told me that as far as he is concerned it is cheating if I did anything. So I now feel more trapped than ever. I would give anything to have this amazing lady feel the same way. I don’t want to cheat, but life is never that simple. It used to be. He loved me and I loved him and any woman was just someone he might fuck off with over me. Now, I have developed these feelings for someone instead and has come to mean the world to me. I don’t know what to do.
This morning the psychiatrist got an aggressive angry Lib who let rip at her. I didn’t mince my words and I said how annoyed I was. She is concerned about me, and can’t understand why I am not making progress given the fact that i have had STEPPS therapy. Well, I am having counselling and dealing with all the fucked up shit from my life as prescribed by the psychiatrist. Having STEPPS would have probably been better after I had started counselling. I would probably have worked through the worst bit by now and the STEPPS skills would probably be aiding me with dealing with all the shit. So, for now, I am prescribed quetiapine only 50mg along with half a zopiclone if I need it. I am aware of the weight gain which is possible, so I told her that I was not eating….she looked concerned and wrote it down in her notes. We ran out of time but I am seeing her in a fortnight. I think that she will want to know more.
I am a mess. I can write this, but saying it out loud is so hard and I don’t explain myself very well. I get jumbled up and things just don’t make sense.
I am not sure what’s going to happen with anything right now.
The only thing I do know for sure, is that I want to get away from everything and not have to think or feel. I want to feel safe, I want to be calm and I really want to be loved.