Slipping – TW…addiction, suicide

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A pill will stop the pain….won’t it?

 

It was never an intentional thing to start taking c0-c0damol (paracetamol and codeine) as a way to feel better. I was prescribed it originally for the pain of gallstones. That was almost four years ago. I didn’t have the operation until almost a year later and despite having the operation I was still in a huge amount of pain. Turned out that I have IBS, hiatus hernia (more common in older women) and reflux. My throat was so red and raw that I really struggled with eating or drinking anything. I was taking both co-codamol and tramadol at this point and was on them together for about 18 months.

March 2013 I was beginning to feel more unwell. I wasn’t sleeping and I had begun to be unable to keep my emotions in check, my concentration was lacking and to be honest I had lost the will to live at times. I saw my GP and at this time she prescribed me a mild sleeping tablet which was a load of crap and told me that I had to stop taking either the tramadol or the co-codamol.  I stopped the tramadol with some fear and was really relieved that I still had the co-codamol. What I hadn’t told her was that I had been taking vast quantities of tramadol and the consequence was that whilst I did my best to reassure myself that I would be fine without it, I went through hideous withdrawal. I literally couldn’t move, I ached all over, I was sick, had the shits which was really bad because of the IBS and the pain. I couldn’t sleep. I did want to die.

Once this was over I felt the depression more than I had done before and I struggled to get myself to placement and lectures. I just didn’t want to know. The anti-depressants I was prescribed were doing little to help so I went to get them changed. I was changed from sertraline to citalopram. I didn’t really notice initially that I had started to take co-codamol religiously every morning. I have no idea when it started other than the fact I ran out and I panicked. I had some tramadol left over and took that, but the anxiety and paranoia I felt inside was all-consuming. I had to wait 3 days to get a new script and had no choice but to get the over the counter smaller dose. I took two as it said but nothing happened. I was really agitated and couldn’t focus. My hands and arms felt itchy and I couldn’t sit still. I fidgeted a lot and I didn’t sleep for those 3 days at all. I couldn’t.

Since then I have knowingly taken co-codamol every single day. I managed 2 whole days without and on the 3rd day withdrawal was hitting me so i took some…that was around March this year. Other than that I have had to take them. I cannot manage a day without. I don’t panic so much when I am running low although I do know that the buzz from the smallest dose will not give me the desired effect and as I have become more reliant on them I have to take a large hit in one go. This means I take an overdose most days.

Recently I took a whole blister pack in one go, 10 tablets of 30 codeine and 500mg of paracetamol. A lot…I know that I scared some people, I just wanted to shut my head up. I had run out of the venlafaxine I have been on since March. There was also an error in the way that the venlafaxine had been prescribed. I had been taking modified release capsules instead of the immediate release ones. I now have the correct tablets but I am not feeling good at all.

The co-codamol calms me. Stops me feeling agitated, emotional and a whole host of other things. What it doesn’t do any more is make me sleep. Not unless I take 5 or 6 and then it does and I am so stoned that I can’t move.

Last June I was also prescribed zopiclone. It was meant to be short-term but I was on them for a year. In June this year I decided that I had to do something and I went cold turkey as I have written about previously. It was really hard and I have struggled. My hope had been that the psychiatrist would finally prescribe me something that would really help me to sleep. Not just knock me out for a couple of hours but that would stop the things I see and hear and the nightmares. However, she didn’t do this. She just said how well I was doing and that now I needed to focus on sleep hygiene. FUCK OFF….who the hell was she kidding…such a fucking patronising thing to say. Like I don’t try that, like I don’t know how it should all work. Of course I fucking know that a regular bed time etc all help….BUT IT DOESN’T HELP ME FUCKWIT.

So having messed up with the venlafaxine and the od, I decided enough was enough and got myself some zopiclone. It’s still prescribed to me so its easy enough to get it. I am trying not to get so dependent on it, but think that my current mental instability has made this particular plan null and void. I feel hideous, in part because of the zopiclone. I feel like a zombie. My concentration is ridiculous. I think my younger two children (7 and 9) have a better level than I do right now. I struggle to read anything which is more than a few lines long, Writing takes more thought and my spelling is worse than ever. Earlier I wrote throat….Its not how I originally spelt it and it looks wrong to me.

All my thoughts seem slower and more prolonged. Nothing is quick. The exception to this was the other day when my head was just charging off at a million miles an hour and trying to say what was on my mind was like a race, I couldn’t get my words out fast enough. It was a bizarre feeling. I have noticed recently that I seem to have brief spells of being manic and then I will suddenly drop right back down, not to just feeling low, but to feeling suicidal. The temptation to do it is the most strong that I can recall since I was 17 and I am scared that I won’t be able to fight it.

I discussed this on Wednesday last week with the psychiatrist and my care co-ordinator but I have “safety factors” ie. the kids, which apparently are keeping me safe. I also told them that I was taking zopiclone again. After all that they have said to me, neither of them reacted to this news. What the fuck do they want me to do….are they really wanting me to carry out my plan before they will take me seriously. I fucking don’t feel well. I am tempted to go and buy street drugs just to help me get through the day…not hard drugs but benzos and tramadol…anything that will just make me feel sane and sleep.

I am super paranoid at the moment about a lot of things. My head is a complicated mess of feelings and emotions toward people which I can’t seem to control. I get hurt really easily and find it hard to let go of things. I am craving some love and attention, not because I am horny….but because I really need to feel wanted, needed, desired, cared about and loved. I feel empty and worthless. A burden to those who care about me.

I am making stupid decisions about things, fucking up left, right and centre with how I see things. I feel things so strongly that it sometimes feels like I am being ripped in two. I feel broken in every way that you possibly can. I don’t feel like I have anything to offer anyone. I am so lonely, I am rejected by my family although they don’t see it that way. My husband who I do love is not enough right now which makes me feel like the devil.

Slipping back down the rabbit hole when I have been reaching out for help and support is even harder than just falling…I feel abandoned. I can’t keep this up much longer…typing is exhausting. Looking for songs or quotes that can come close to saying how I feel is exhausting. I barely talk these days. Only when I really have to, its nice to talk to people but because I don’t talk much I know I ramble. I annoy myself with that.

With the addiction, BPD, depression, anxiety and paranoia I am more self-loathing than ever. I don’t see the point in being here. I am not doing anyone any good, yet if I do something I will cause more harm which fucks with my head. I hate myself more right now than I can ever recall. I just want to take pills, drink and smoke and not feel anything any more….I barely eat right now, I can’t bear the kitchen. I can’t bear dinner time. Its dinner time now and I just don’t want to have to do anything. I just want to ignore it. I don’t want to eat, or drink non alcoholic drinks…I want to just get drunk and fade away into whatever place it is that I go to when I black out….

I HATE ME….I FUCKING HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT ME.

ALL I WANT IS SOMEONE TO REALLY LOVE ME….FOR ME AS I AM NOW….TO HOLD ME AND WANT ME….TO KISS ME AND MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE…..I FEEL DEAD….AND right now…..thats what I wish for…..i am sorry……….

 

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4 thoughts on “Slipping – TW…addiction, suicide

  1. *HUGS* Love you Libs. Please stay alive – if not for yourself but your family at least? Nobody would be better off if you go *HUGS*

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    • *HUGS* Love you too. I am doing my best, some days its not so hard, tonight is a hard night. But I have people who do need me so am fighting for them. Love u, thank you for being such a good friend to me. ((HUGS))

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    • You have no idea how much I would love if that could happen. Thank you, for all your support and everything. Means a lot xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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