Losing hope

Me

 

This is me!  And although at the time this was taken I was just keeping my anonymity, at this moment in time, this is what I want to be able to do. I want to hide away from the world.

I am working really hard on getting better at the moment, but this is not easy and to be honest I am not sure how well I am really doing.

I self-harmed on tuesday night. I have drunk so much alcohol in the last week that I am not sure that they would find any blood if they needed to take any.

Outside of myself, my marriage is in serious trouble and just seems to get worse and worse.

And I seem to be letting people down without meaning to. I am just so tired right now, mentally and emotionally that I simply have nothing left to give anyone. I feel selfish and uncaring to tell people that I can’t support them right now, but I have to say that because if I don’t then my marriage will definitely end and I will wind up homeless with three kids and incapable of looking after them. I also seem to say things which get taken the wrong way and leave people feeling like they were not good enough or something.

I just can’t seem to find the right balance and just fuck things up again and again. This is partly why I feel like I want to just hide away. It would be easier for everyone if I did.

Honestly, right now I don’t feel well at all mentally. My moods are all over the place. I get manic really quickly and then my mood will plummet again just as quickly. I get overwhelmed by simple tasks and I avoid doing things if I dont have to. I am so frustrated with the state of my life and I don’t feel like I am getting anywhere fast.

Everything is on hold in my life. The only thing which isn’t is the counselling. But nothing else is headed anywhere. I feel like a complete failure.

I am angry all the time with myself for how weak and pathetic I am.

BPD is truly hideous. Recently I have started hearing voices again quite clearly, the nightmares are so vivid that I have actually woken up thinking that it had just happened.

My BPD is considered to be serious and as such I need support for the little things. My anxiety has got bad again and I am wondering around in a black fog. As I write this I am crying cos I know it makes little sense. I don’t really know where anything is headed any more.

I am fighting as best as I can. But it feels like its just not good enough.

There are other things that I wanted to write about, but this seems to have taken over my brain and I am not sure that I am ready to share something which I am pretty much in denial about myself. Maybe sometime I will be able to say something.

Right now though, I just feel like I am losing hope in the future. I can’t see beyond the next hour any more. If I try to I will end up more of a mess again.

 

 

 

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