For the past couple of weeks or so I haven’t felt able to write anything, I have wanted to, but some recent incidents have left me badly triggered and wanting to withdraw back into my shell.
This post will address these things and hopefully make things clearer to those people who read this and follow me on Twitter.
My journey so far has been full of hurt, abuse, betrayal, rejection and abandonment. I have been put down time and again by so many people, that I am now shy, embarrassed, incapable of saying things out loud for fear of upsetting someone or being rejected. When I started this blog it was after I had been blogging for Anxiety United. A place where I felt safe and began to find my voice for the first time in my life. I chose to set this one up as the things I needed to express and say were beyond what I could say on the other site. I needed to be able to say anything without fear of upsetting anyone and using what ever language I should want. I needed more freedom to be me.
Over the course of the past few months I have found that voice and I am finding a way to be comfortable with myself; who I am, the things I like and don’t like, what my desires are, where I want to go in life and so many more things.
On Twitter I have found a way of freeing myself and admitting that I am bisexual has been a major part of that as well as being a little more open with what I have been through. I have been strangely comfortable with coming out as bi, something which in reality I’ve always known but have chosen to push under the carpet and cover up. I haven’t told every single person in my life because I feel that some will judge me or will walk away from me and that’s not something that I can handle right now. All the does matter is that those I am closest to don’t mind.
I have also been far more expressive with what I post. It’s not all about my mental health, venting or whatever. It’s also about being me. So yes, I flirt and have a laugh, I post pictures of nude women, mainly because to be quite honest right now, I am more attracted to women than men and also there are few pics of men in this manner that I would want to post. For some reason, men and their manhood just makes me feel angry and I don’t want to see it. I have lost some friends in recent weeks due to the change in tone of my tweets, but essentially, right now this is what I need to do. I attempt to keep it to a reasonable time of day for the majority of people as they are based in the UK and Europe, but I know that in other countries this doesn’t really work. So I win some and I lose some. But it’s not about how many people follow….It’s about being heard and accepted for who I am. I don’t want to pretend any more to be someone I’m not. All my thoughts and feelings have been changing and so my tweets change accordingly.
Which brings me to a couple of my posts; Sex and Cyber sex. My history, my entire life has centred around sex. Not necessarily intercourse, but many other aspects of it. A massive, massive part of my mental health issues are directly linked to sex. Its something which in real life I can’t talk about. I find it hard to mention it at all and feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed. I feel like I have a split personality. One who is outgoing and not afraid to say what’s what and another who is timid and quiet who struggles with most forms of expression. From such an early age until I was 24, sex has in some way been used either against me, or its been me using it to get something I need, whether it be attention and a few minutes of feeling wanted, to having booze bought for me, fags, drugs, clothes…whatever…I went through a phase where either I pleasured other people or where they did what they wanted…telling my counsellor this last week was really hard and I am deeply ashamed, but she nodded like it was something she had expected to hear. She asked me if they were adults…NO, some of the people I did things with were my age or slightly older. But there were adults too.
One thing about my writing, whether it is this or my tweets, I am honest and open. I have been open in this post too so far in a way I had not intended.
Writing about sex and cyber sex was something I needed to do for me first and foremost. I am a sexual human being. When I am with someone I like and trust, I love sex. But recently every time I have had sex I have been triggered and this has made sex something which both my husband and I have come to dread. But there is an added issue in that whilst I love him, I want to be with a woman. So this has my head in a real mess and I have had to think long and hard about what I am going to do.
Following the publication of cyber sex, I was inundated with dms and tweets from people who suddenly wanted to talk to me. The women got the point of my post and many shared their own frustrations about masturbation with me. Which was precisely how the post was intended to come across…something for people to relate to and not feel alone. Find the courage to talk to someone and express themselves, even if it is in private. Thats one of the things I love about blogging. Others relate, share their stories and make you feel less alone whilst at the same time, knowing that someone feels able to share with me makes me feel good too.
What I had not anticipated were the men and their keen interest all of a sudden in me. Did they think that because I had sexted with a couple of people and sent a topless pic to one of them that this is what I wanted. The guy in question is someone who I have got to know really well, I trust him and his only concern was that I should be able to masturbate without feeling guilty or ashamed and that I got some release from my frustration at not being able to cum. It was unplanned, it was great, I did something which I was embarrassed about and he and I are just friends. Nothing more to it. He has become one of my best friends and someone with whom I can share anything with. We flirt sometimes, but not often.
But the post was also about how alone I felt, how unhappy I was and the issues I had. And then after the sex bit, it was about how I felt. What emotions it caused and how hard things were. IT WAS NOT MEANT TO BE AN OPEN INVITATION TO FLIRT WITH ME AND EXPECT US TO MEET AND FUCK.
I am scared of men, I don’t find it easy to trust their intentions and I know this is my issue so I do my best to give them space to get to know me and for me to get to know them. However, the particular incident was too much for me too deal with. I felt like he was always there, watching everything I posted and asking questions. Wanting to get to know me, starting with what I look like, my mental health, height…randomly and unexpectedly…”tell me about your experience of rape”….what did he want me to say..”.that someone I barely knew stuck is cock inside my pussy and had sex with me?” Yes I can be crude and as I am writing this I am feeling angry again.
I let this go, I didn’t tell him about the rapes other than how old I was and that it happened a lot more than just once.
But he was there all the time and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. It made me not want to tweet and so I hid more, only dming and then tweeting when there were people around who are my friends. Who know me well. I don’t want people to get to know me well because they think that I am going to flirt with them and then sext with them…thats not what I am about.
I was even more horrified when one evening I posted some erotic pictures and he dmed me again. This time wanting to know about the pictures and how I was feeling. I am really private about some things and the pictures are to do with what I want right now, people with whom I want to be with in a sexual way. My husband for one, but two amazing, strong women who I have been talking to and who know me quite well. BUT this was not for him to know and I began to feel that he was just trying to get me to flirt with him. I asked him about whether he was attracted to me and he said yes…not the first time that a guy has said yes…and I think I am really thick because I am not sure I really understand how you can be attracted to someone through their tweets. I mentioned to him this and that I didn’t get guys at all. He told me that all guys were attracted to me and that they wanted to fuck me.
THAT triggered me…I felt sick inside and didn’t know what to do. I felt ashamed and disgusted with myself that I have somehow managed to portray myself as being easy. Someone who will take pics and send them to whoever. That I have done stuff in the past which made me a whore…I did….yes….and I am ashamed of it…deeply ashamed. I was aged between 14 -17 when I did that….I sold myself again and again and again. BUT I am not that kid any more…I am an adult who is completely fucked up in the head about things which have happened. I am just trying to make sense of things and am trying to find a way to forgive myself.
I blocked him…and for a couple of weeks I locked down my twitter account. And until today I have felt unable to express myself, and to be honest this is far from what I had envisaged writing.
Yes, I am going to keep tweeting pictures of women, its my account and it’s what I want to tweet. If you think for a minute that this is a come on for you to flirt with me…think again. It isn’t. I flirt within a group of people whom I trust and who I am starting to meet with in rl. They are my friends and its safe.
As for my blog. I am writing as a survivor of child sex abuse, being raped once by a friend and then consistently by my first husband. I am writing to help make sense of what I have been through. I am trying to become a healthy adult who can enjoy sex in the same way that many other people do.
Right now, I am sexting with an amazing woman who makes me feel so fucking alive its unreal. She is my friend, she cares about me and its intimate and special. I care about her too and if life wasn’t so bloody complicated I am certain that we would have met and made love by now. BUT this does not mean that I want everyone….I dont, I just need to talk, I need to express myself and I want to feel safe in doing so. I want people to respect that right now that this is what is helping me to make sense of my truly shitty life and hopefully will allow me to put it all to rest.
If you read my tweets or posts and you feel anything inside you, I do not want to know. I am not going to entertain you, I am not going to meet with you and we are definitely not going to meet up and fuck each other just because you pretend to be interested in me.
This has been exceptionally hard to write and I thank you for reading it.