Sometimes being lonely isn’t to do with not having anyone around you, it is simply that you don’t feel seen by the person who is meant to see you.
As I have said before, sex is something I have known all my life. I don’t recall a time when stripping off and getting down and dirty didn’t happen. Admittedly, some of this was not what I chose, but when it’s there all the time it’s ‘normal’. If I wasn’t getting groped in one way or another I felt like I had done something wrong. That I was no longer liked or wanted. That’s how I feel now.
I won’t lie, there are lots of things that I am up for, I am not boring although to look at me you could be forgiven for thinking otherwise. But essentially, boring missionary position with a little bit of foreplay or whatever really doesn’t do much. I like passion, someone taking control and being rough. I think that there are lots of women who like this too and I am realising that this is not some fucked up idea in my head. However, when I think about sex and what I like, I am taken back to times when what was happening I was too young to understand, or it was scary and painful and I have a hard time getting my head around these thoughts and feelings.
My current sex life is pretty non-existent. I decided that I was fed up initiating sex and that I was going to wait for my hubby to instigate it for a change. Women get just as fucking horny as men and sometimes the endless waiting for him to get his act together and actually live up to his insatiable sex drive is infuriating. Dont get me wrong, there are women who are not interested and men who are great at being lovers. BUT, from the conversations I have been having with some people on Twitter, I know that I am not alone in my feelings and this has helped me feel less of a freak.
Yes, right now I seem to be constantly horny which is not ideal when you are doing the shopping and someone (male or female) walks past you and all you can smell is their perfume or aftershave and they look like a lot of fun!
Anyone who knows me on Twitter will have seen that I am quite open to having a flirt and a laugh in the evenings. I post pictures which are erotic in nature and again I know that these are OK with many of those with whom I talk. So, when the convos have started to get a bit heated, sometimes they have moved onto sending direct messages. If any of you think the tweets are bad, trust me when I say the dms take on a complete life of their own.
I am not sure what happens to me, but it’s like I am being ‘seen’. I have had people tell me that I am sexy or sexual as a person. These are alien words to me and I would be lying if I said I didn’t like it, I do. And it’s not just men, there are women too. I feel invisible in my marriage, like the only way he will notice me is if I walk around in some sexy underwear and literally shove everything in his face (yeah, yeah, I know, some of you would love that!) . BUT, why should I have to do that? Why should I have to make all the effort, why can’t he see me as a sexual person who likes to be loved intimately? I feel like I am not good enough, that I am lacking in some way and like he wants some girl from a porno. I AM NOT AN ACTRESS….I AM REAL!
The people I have been talking to know how lonely I am and that masturbating is something which makes me feel really ashamed and disgusting. I can’t help these thoughts, I try not to let them into my head but they are always there and it makes me hate myself. Some of the people who I have flirted with have said that they wanted to make me cum! – Now I am not complaining about that at all! BUT I have to do that as obviously we have not met (yet).
The particular person I am going to talk about in this post, knows I am writing it and I have promised that I will mention no names. The only thing I will say is that they are male.
It was late at night, hubby and kids were in bed and I was awake, feeling quite down and miserable about things. I am extraordinarily lonely and over the course of a week, we had been exchanging very explicit dms. This particular evening, the conversation took a new twist. He asked me what I where I was and what I was wearing. I was sitting in the armchair with a t-shirt and knickers on…fucking baking hot!
He told me to imagine that he had walked into the room and headed straight to the chair. Some kissing and fingering was mentioned…far to explicit to say here and to be honest I wouldn’t do it any justice. As it got more heated he told me to take my t-shirt off!…God knows what I was thinking, but I took my t-shirt off and (don’t judge me, please) I took a picture of my breasts and sent it to him….I cringe now even thinking about it, however he liked a lot! Which is nice because I don’t always think that hubby does. Through our conversations that we have had I know what he likes and he knows what I like. He talked about biting my nipples and caressing my breasts, going down on me, sticking his fingers and tongue inside me, teasing me, having sex…..The things he was saying where so dirty I was very turned on and I tried to imagine exactly what he was saying. It took time but he kept going and going. I will tell you know that I was willing and happy to meet him in a hotel and fuck the living daylights out of each other. I know that it would be mind-blowing and I did cum.
There is a part of me that wishes that neither of us had partners so that we could meet up and have some dirty fucking going on. It wouldn’t be making love, it would be carnal and very much-needed!
I confess I am too embarrassed to say more than I have. He had admitted that he had hoped that I would take a picture of elsewhere, but that is something I have a hang up about and couldn’t do even though I wanted to. And he would have rewarded me with a picture of himself.
It was a form of sexting…prior to this particular interaction I had shared some photos of me…fully clothed! He thinks I am cute, sexy and would fuck me in a heart beat. I turn him on. This makes me feel good, really good. I rarely feel good about myself so if it was only for half an hour via some words on the internet then to be honest it was doing no harm.
However, although I got some release I felt bad with myself. I enjoyed every minute of what we said, but I had masturbated and I felt really dirty. I felt guilty towards my husband and hated myself for that.
A few days later someone else tried for an hour to get me to cum…it just wasn’t happening and everything that was being said would have normally worked within minutes. We stopped and I watched some porn because I was so worked up…it took another fucking hour and then it was shit. I felt disgusted. More disgusted than I can explain. I hated myself and I sat and sobbed.
Cyber sex and sexting is fairly harmless I think providing you trust one another which I did. They are good people and their only concern was to make me feel good. So why, when it is good, do I feel so ashamed. Why do I hate myself so much? Every single time I feel the exact same way and its like I am waiting for someone to punish me. To come and hurt me and tell me that I am evil and going to rot in hell.
I am still fucking horny, I am still sorely tempted to meet my erotic friend for a dirty night of fucking in every way possible. BUT I know it wont happen. We will probably never meet because if we did, I am not sure that we would be able to restrain ourselves.
So, yes, I am flirting with men and women, I am exploring this whole thing of cyber sex and now I am venturing into this whole selfie thing, only not my bloody face, oh no, my breasts!!! Fucking marvellous….Way to go Lib.
I don’t really know how to feel about all this. I know that it was fun, I know that I like flirting and talking dirty and trust me when I say tweets don’t hold anything to what we discuss, words used….I try and respect who my friends are on Twitter and not make them despise me. But yep, I have a mouth straight out of a porno and to be honest, given a chance I could probably do a great job of that. But, I am not like that…..am I?
PS. Thank you to those of you who have had these conversations with me, who have reassured me again and again and again that I have nothing to be ashamed of. That it’s natural. Thank you for making feel visible and for trying to make me feel good about myself. Thank you also to those who put up with my pictures, flirting and general smuttiness. I appreciate all of you and the support and friendship you have all given to me.