To TRIGGER WARNING this post will discuss child sexual abuse in some detail. Please do not read if you are affected by this topic. Protect yourself from unnecessary trauma and pain.
I am stoned on a large quantity of co-codamol for the simple reason I just don’t want to feel anything any more, I dont want to think about anything and I really want to be able to sleep.
Yesterday was my 3rd session of counselling. We talked about my relationship with my mother and father. Abandonment was mentioned, feeling not good enough all before I was 3 years old.
We did not go into huge amounts of detail but we touched on the abuse from when I was 5/6. I do not remember if I had turned 6 or not but I do know it was in the summer months when I was sexually abused for the first time by the 11 year old girl who lived next door to us.
I was lonely. I remember feeling stupid and unlikeable. I struggled to fit in at school, i wasn’t like my brother and sister. I seemed to be always getting told off for something and I was already spending hours at a time in my bedroom.
It was weird to talk to a counsellor about all this. It was scary and I wasn’t sure where we were going to go with it all.
The girl got me to lie on my bed where she removed my clothing. I remember feeling so embarrassed to be naked. She touched me all over but paid special attention to my vagina (i hate that word and i will never say it out loud but i cant think of any other word). She stroked at first before spreading my legs a little wider and inserting her finger. It hurt and i cried out. She put her hand over my mouth and whispered to me to be quiet and that it would stop hurting in a few minutes. She carried on and i cried. She got some clean knickers or socks and shoved them in my mouth. She used my barbie doll’s feet as a sex toy. She pushed the doll into me feet first. It hurt so much.
She did a lot more but what we talked about on thursday was not this in detail but the fact that this didn’t seem like the first time i had felt this way. That there was a familiarity about what she had done with her fingers. There is a dark space where I feel scared and unsafe and want to hide but also a part that reacts with pleasure, a tingly feeling around my groin which spreads through my body.
My mum went back to work when i was 4 months old leaving me with child minders, nannies and my older half sister. Whatever it is that I am remembering I was very tiny. I don’t know who it was or anything like that. Just the recollection that what was happening in my bedroom when i was 5/6 was familiar some how.
Whilst we were talking about the first time that I clearly recall such abuse this dark feeling that i recall came up. In all likelihood i was probably assaulted yesrs before. I cannot explain this clearly right now and i have no idea if this makes any sense, but there is something i feel deep inside that was wrong. Why would something feel familiar if it had never happened? I have memories from when i was very little, about 2, but they are not clear always. Whatever it is that happened would have been from 4 months until i was 3/4. I have clearer memories from the age of 4.
I am scared to even think what might have happened and who it could have been. I have been struggling with this since w talked about it. There was so much stuff that we talked about and all of it was really very hard and painful. But this is upsetting in a completely different way. I know that this is going to get harder and I am terrified about what we are going to uncover. I know i have shut out things, i have massive blanks of time.
I am no handling this well. I am getting tired now, the cocodamol is making my eyes heavy and i think i need to try and sleep.
I feel like i am a complete disaster, i make progress and then i just crash again and again. I want someone to give me a hug and hold me tight.
I want this all to just go away.