It just comes and holds on so tight. It takes over and trying to fight it off is so hard. Minutes seem like hours and hours feel like days. Everything seems so bleak and hopeless and the pain inside is overwhelming.
I have been doing better, I am proud of what I have achieved so far. But yesterday I had counselling and the way I have been feeling since has just been getting darker and darker.
I felt myself slipping steadily as the evening went on and I couldn’t sleep. I am tired and just feeling so alone and sad.
My world just never seems to get any easier. I have been fighting so hard but I just dont know how much longer I can. I have had such strong suicidal thoughts in the past few hours. I feel like I am letting everyone down and I dont want to do that.
The pressure to be happy and well is everywhere. I just want to hide away and not to feel anything.
Normally I would take a load of pills, drink some booze and create a numbness where nothing mattered and I couldnt feel anything. I would float and just stop thinking. It created huge blanks but I would eventually pass out and life would be ok for a few hours until I woke up.
I dont have the sleeping tablets, I havent drunk anything and the co-codamol I have taken today is only 16mg….normally when I feel like this i would take 60-90mg several times a day.
Getting stoned and drunk is really appealing right now. And I want to cut myself so badly. I am so unhappy and I dont know how to talk about it. I feel trapped and so alone and lost. I just want a hug and to cry and cry and cry until I can cry no more. I want someone to just hold me until I fall asleep and to be there still when I wake up. I want all this pain to just be a nightmare. For all this to just go away.