Neverending battle

Sleep, all I want to do is sleep. Exhausted and lethargic. I am so tired I can’t think straight. I have things that I need to do but I don’t have a single ounce of energy to do anything.

My head is pounding and my eyes hurt. I have not slept for more than a couple of hours the last few nights. Going to sleep takes forever and when I do finally sleep I wake up frequently. I feel like I could just sleep forever.

I am putting on a brave face for my husband and kids, but my mood has dropped again. The desire to get stoned and drink is back and the depressive phase feels like its making itself at home.

I am trying to fight it, but I am just so tired. I just want to curl up and cry. To hide away and not think about anything. But there is so much. My head feels like its going to explode at any time.

I lost weight in the last couple of weeks. I haven’t done anything to lose it and now I weigh less than I have in 8 years. Part of me wants to be happy, but I think that it’s all part of my depression. I can afford to lose the weight so it’s not like I look ill or anything, but because when I’m well I stuggle with my weight, its a sign that I am not well. Losing just under half a stone in less than 10 days when I don’t eat healthily and don’t exercise is not a good sign is it?

The panic attack I had last night really came out of nowhere. I am working hard on my family right now, building bridges with my husband, being more in control with the kids and doing more around the house. I am trying so hard to get better. I still haven’t cut although the urge is getting stronger and I’m not sure how much longer i can fight it.

I feel like i am just running round in small circles, occasionally breaking the cycle and moving in a straight line, but then things just seem to go back to the same old cycle. I hate this feeling, i hate that i dont seem to be able to keep going for very long. I’m losing interest in things again. I can’t concentrate and I really cant remember things. I feel trapped by this and I want a way out. Now.

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