Before you read the post, this was written in the middle of a panic attack. I have just re-read it and feel that there is a need for a TRIGGER WARNING. Apologies to anyone who read this as I orginally published this. Please do not read if you are affected by child sexual abuse.
I have not had a panic attack for a little while so I am little freaked out that I am having one now.
I was having a shower just washing my hair when it suddenly felt like there was no oxygen for me to breathe. My chest got tight and I could feel myself begin to panic. I opened the shower door in the hope that the cool, fresh air would calm me down. I breathed a little easier and finished rinisng my hair. I reached for the towel and noticed that my hands were shaking like crazy, my legs felt like jelly and my head was just swimming like crazy.
I got a glass of water and am now lying on my bed. I am trying to keep myself calm by distracting. I figure that writing this out is a better plan than cutting which is what my current urge is.
I know I’ve just had a shower, but i feel so dirty. I have a memory that keeps flashing in and out of my head of my male abuser.
I was about 13 or 14 when this happened. I was taking a shower in the upstairs shower, it was middle of the evening and I was getting myself ready for bed so I could chill out. I think it was a school night but im not entirely clear.
I was washing my hair had soap in my hair when I heard the door open. The glass of the shower was frosted so you couldn’t see in properly. I was surprised that someone had come in and said to go away that I wouldn’t be long. I turned around to see if the person had gone only to see a figure standing by the shower door. I wanted to scream but I suddenly had lost my voice. My heart started pounding and I remember feeling really scared. I didn’t know who it was. I felt myself move to the far side of the shower I sat down huddled up for protection. There was little else I could do.
The shower door was opened and there he was, standing looking at me. He said he had come up to tell me that I had a phone call and that my mum had nipped to the shop.
I was so mixed up at this point because I had sometimes imagined what would happen if he saw me completely naked. How i would feel and what he would do. I was fairly athletic looking although I felt I was fat. I recall having a sudden flash in my head of me standing up and him staring at me before grabbing me and having sex with me. It was quickly replaced by revulsion at this, fear and the desire for him to go and let me finish.
He didn’t go, he stood watching me. I began to tremble. I was getting cold and was really worried about what was going to happen. He told me to stand up and he would help me rinse my hair out. I told him to go away that I could manage fine by myself.
His eyes turned dark and he had a weird look on his face. I didn’t understand what it was but I was scared. He told me more firmly to stand up, I was about to shake my head when he put his arm into the cubicle and grabbed my arm. He was much stronger than ma and whilst I tried to protect myself and stay curled up amd hidden he overpowered me. Before I knew it I was standing completely naked in front of him. He had never seen me completely naked and whilst i tried to use my hands to cover myself it was of no use.
This evening as I was showering, this part of the memory flashed at me.
He stared at me, his eyes going over every inch of my young teenage body. His hand brushed against my breasts and his other hand ran down from the middle of my chest, down my stomach until he reached the top of my pubic region. I think my heart stopped, i think i must have held my breath. My body reacted to what he was doing but my head wad screaming at me to do something. To make him stop. Suddenly he moved away and went out the bathroom door.
I rinsed my hair, my hands shaking, i felt sick and my legs could barely hold me up. I grabbed a towel amd went to my room and curled up on my bed, just as I am now. I tried to calm myself down. I tried to tell myself i was ok. My bedroom door opened and my mum came in. She said to me that there had been a phonecall for me but that whoever had called had hung up because it had taken me so long to get to the phone.
She said i looked pale was i ok. I told her i just felt a bit dizzy in the shower. She told me she’d make me some tea and bring it up to me.
She did and i stayed hidden in my room for the rest of the night.