Sadness. Lonely. Lost. Guilt. Shame. Not good enough.
Love is hard when it’s your family. When it’s your mother that the feelings are so confused about is even harder. How do you even start to make sense of things?
Ever since I can remember I have tried so hard to be a good enough daughter. To be accepted. I do love my mother and in her own way I know that she loves me. But I have never felt that I am as good as my brother and sister. I have always felt slightly left out. I remember that when we were little my brother and sister looked so alike. Blonde hair and blue eyes. They looked like twins. Even now they still do. I am the short, fat, dark-haired, green-eyed one. I am naturally left-handed but was made to write with my right hand when I was at school. My brother and sister are both right-handed. Gifted in their own ways. I never stood out. I was never anything special to anyone and I knew it. As we have got older and gone about our own lives it has become more clear that I am an outsider to them.
It has been like this since I can remember and I don’t believe this will ever change no matter what happens. I love my family no matter what. But I know that I will never be one of them. I will never be a part of their little gang. I am the last person they think of calling when things happen. It hurts so badly that I am so far removed from my family.
Why am I thinking like this right now? Because next week in my counselling we are going to start working through things. We are starting with the easier stuff. We are starting with my mother.
We have agreed that if it’s too hard we can stop, but I have to make a start. I need to. Everything is bubbling away under the surface and I cannot deal with it being like this much longer. There are so many things which I am going to have to work through and the first thing has to be my mother. Its complicated and hard. I feel torn in half by all the feelings I have and so incredibly filled with sadness.
I vowed that when I had children I would never be like my mother, and I haven’t been. I am close to my kids and I tell them all the time how much I love them, I praise them, I hug them and I look after them. I don’t ever want them to feel the way that I do. There is so much stuff that swirls around in my head and its so painful. I am struggling today and I have no idea why.
There are things I am not coping with too well in my personal life, like the fact that I am confused about my sexuality. I would like to be able to talk to my mum about such things but I know that this would never happen. She would disown me. Be disgusted with me. No one in my family would want to know me. This makes this so much lonelier to have to work through.
I wish that I could talk to my mum about all the things in the past to make sense of things, but I can’t. I want to tell her how hard things are for me and my husband and have her come and help. But I can’t.
I don’t want her to be disappointed with me. To be a failure. To be a constant screw up with everything I do. I am just weak and pathetic. A waste of space and simply not good enough. I never have been.
This pain is so sharp today. I feel like my heart has been stabbed and I just feel so completely alone. I have to talk about this on Thursday. I need to work through this, but this is going to be so hard. This is meant to be the easy bit….but now I am thinking that there are simply no easy bits….its all going to be hard and painful.
The tears just keep rolling down my cheeks. I am so hurt inside…I am just filled with pain for everything that has ever happened and never been dealt with. Misunderstood, unloved, used and abused. This is me.