Trying to write this next post has for some reason been really hard to find the words for. My head is full of so many things and it just feels a bit like a jumble. I don’t really know where to start and this is frustrating in itself. There are things which are happening in the here and now and then there is all the stuff from the past which is still eating away at me. Causing me pain and nightmares. Making me feel confused about things and causing me to feel agitated. It could be that I am just over tired and that’s why I have a block, but I really don’t know! Crappy start to a post for sure!
The past week has been an emotional rollercoaster, mentally and physically challenging and one which I am glad I have survived!
My hubby and I have talked a lot over the past few days and tried to work out what has gone wrong. One thing which was really annoying him was my obsession with Twitter. I was literally on it all the time and nothing else seemed to matter to me. It was like a new drug. Twitter is important to me and I don’t think that unless you are on it and interact in the way that I do you can fully understand how much it can make a difference to the day. The support and friendships that I have got from Twitter has completely shocked me and has made my life more tolerable when I have been ready to call it quits. However, I also recognise that when it becomes something of an obsession it is no longer healthy. My hubby was right and I can see this now, but I am not willing to give it up either. So I have decided that I have to limit myself to how much time I spend online and what I am doing that is actually of use to my family.
I haven’t quite figured this out yet! But I think that I will with time. I have been on today and it has been so nice to catch up with some people and see what’s going on. But the big pull I had seems to have calmed and I have not been as fixated as I was. I am taking this as a good sign and hopefully I can find a balance which works for everyone.
My counselling session last Thursday went really well. I was really nervous and apprehensive about it. I know I need to talk about my past and deal with the things that cause me nightmares and that flash before me. But I am really not ready to talk out loud. It scares me. The words are going to be directly to do with me and I can’t handle that. Its like I will be making it real. I will be sharing such a huge part of myself and I don’t want to. Its frustrating too because I know that eventually I will need to say these things if I am going to get well. I am going to have to accept the past, the things that happened and be open about it. Prior to the appointment I thought about this and decided that I needed to be open with her from the start and so I told her that I wasn’t ready to talk about the past. Instead we talked about the state of my marriage, the huge fight that hubby and I had the night before and how this was affecting everyone. We worked through the kids first and then talked about my husband before we moved onto me.
I admitted to her that I feel like a 14-year-old most of the time. That there is about 20% of me which is 34 but the rest is very much 14 and I struggle to deal with this. I seem to be stuck in this time and I don’t understand why. I am also having trouble with time. A week seems like a month and a month seems like several months. I am losing time and forget things constantly. Normally I have a memory like an elephant and will remember the most ridiculous things. Now, I forget things which happened 5 minutes ago. I can forget that I took the kids to school or how I got to the shops or whatever. I had hoped that maybe by stopping the zopiclone that this would improve things but it hasn’t in this respect. What has improved is my concentration. I can actually watch a movie all the way through. I haven’t done this for about 18 months. I still can’t read a book yet, but watching tv is a definite improvement. So this was a good thing to talk about.
She did however say that I seemed to be holding back, that I was clearly emotional and that I looked like I needed to let go. I remember feeling like I wanted to cry but breaking down in tears was just more than I wanted to do. I didn’t want to let go. I am not sure why, tears normally flow fairly easily, but I don’t know if there was a mixture of fear and shame in crying in front of someone who I don’t really know. I feel so self-conscious when I cry in front of people which is silly I know. I also feel vulnerable and weak.
We made an appointment for Thursday this week for round 2. We are going to spend a few minutes talking about the co-codamol but I am not ready to stop just yet. I have cut down a bit which is a good sign. However, today I have been in huge amounts of pain so have taken it for legitimate reasons.
The only really bad thing right now is the insomnia. I am so tired yet I can’t sleep. When I do sleep I have horrible dreams. In many of them I am a kid, sometimes I am married to my first husband and sometimes it is such a complete mess that I have no idea what I have dreamt other than the fact that it was not good.
I have a lot of things going on in my head. Some make no sense and some do. Some confuse me and some not so much but nothing seems straightforward. I don’t want all these thoughts any more, I don’t want to feel so mixed up about things. I want something to just make some sense. I don’t want to feel scared about things. I don’t want to have so many completely fucked up thoughts and memories. I wish I could wave a wand and make them go away. I wish that I knew who I was inside and could be this person on the outside. I want to work with people yet they scare me. I don’t like crowds and getting out to do anything by myself is ridiculously hard for me. I know that there are others who feel this way and I know that there are others who have been in this place too and come out the other side. How do I do this? How long is it going to take? Why is it so hard to get the words out?