Wednesday night my husband and I had the most hideous fight we have ever had, or that I can recall us having. I think what makes it the worst was his comment to me that perhaps I should crash my car into a lorry. My heart broke into half and I have never felt so crushed or rejected. He is my best friend, he has been there for 20 years, he has seen me at good times and at bad and he knows me better than anyone, so to hear these words come out of his mouth…Well, I’m pretty certain you can guess.
I wrote another post which I did publish…When the shit hits the fan….The original one I wrote talked about the fight and a number of other things. I don’t want to rewrite what I had originally written as it was in the heat of the moment. And the one I did manage to publish was after I had done some thinking. I went out in my car and parked by the river where I had a cigarette and cried. The thoughts in my head were racing and I was torn between staying and making things work or ending things and putting a stop to the heartache that’s been caused.
I have been a lousy mother and wife the past few months….year….I have been so consumed with my own pain that I have really not seen properly how it is effecting the people who are right in front of me and who have witnessed me fall apart. We are on our own, our families are not strong enough to support us and this just isolates us further and makes my husbands job even more difficult. If we had a strong family on both sides I think that we would have less problems and would be able to cope. But we don’t, so things have just turned to shit.
Yesterday before he left for work, he ignored me. Normally this would really hurt me and I would freak out, but this time it didn’t. This time I didn’t know what to think or what to feel. I had cried a bit but because of his cruel words. I hadn’t cried because I was scared of losing him, of my marriage ending. I don’t know what I was feeling. I was just lost and incapable of making sense of the last few hours.
I had my first counselling session yesterday too….which I will post about at another time….the one thing I will say here though is that the timing couldn’t have been better in reality. I got on with my day and tried to focus on the important things. I was nervous about when my husband would come home and what would happen. The fight the night before had upset all the children and one thing I felt regardless of what had been said was that we had to work something out for their sake.
I was surprised that he started the conversation by apologising to me for what he had said about driving into the lorry. For him, this is a huge thing as he never apologises for anything. This is when I let go…we talked…we listened, there was no fighting. Just a sadness that we were losing ourselves, losing our friendship and love for one another. I cannot explain what we have, but when people are with us they can see it and sense it too…its unspoken and just there. We have something worth fighting for. I am going to do everything I can to make sure that my children feel safe and secure, that they don’t have to witness such an ugly fight again. I want them to be able to forget it and remember the good times…I know this is unlikely, but we can make it right.
There are a lot of external pressures on us at the moment as well as my mental health. Our housing situation is unstable, whether I will go to uni in September is now under threat because of lack of funding…I have to write a letter with compelling personal reasons (CPR) as to why I should have an extra year funded. In the UK you get 4 years of funding…3 of those are given for the duration of a normal degree and then the 4th one is like a gift in case something goes wrong. Unfortunately for me the stuff that went wrong happened in my second year which means as things currently stand I only have 2 years of funding left. If I can get my CPR accepted then this won’t be an issue, but if I can’t I will have to find the fees for my first year or no degree….We are struggling financially because I am not well enough to work and am unlikely to be for awhile. Its just a constant nightmare and the stress is causes us just adds to everything else. The kids need money for all sorts of things and we never have it, we never do anything nice any more because we never have the money to do it. This makes life boring and really depressing anyway and he told me that he is feeling all of this. Then to have me on top of it all….he just can’t take much more and I do understand that.
I have been very honest with him about everything all the way through and I am going to try and have more of a life than I have been. The zopiclone which I stopped a week ago has without a doubt been one of the best decisions i have made in a long time. I have had some unpleasant withdrawal, but to be honest not on the scale that I feared it would be. The reality of it has been that I am more focused than i have been in a long time. I am no longer slurring my words, I am able to concentrate on a film without forgetting half of it. I remember more things than I have in ages. My daughter has noticed the difference and the welfare lady from the school also commented on how much better I was sounding. I obviously don’t notice that, but its not the first time I have been told that my speech has changed…I put this down to stopping the sleeping tablet. I have felt inside more agitated than normal, but given all the other things I could be going through, I think that this is all relatively mild in comparison.
This week I have also been trying to cut down on the amount of co-codamol I take. I think I have kept it to 6 all week which is a first…I have also not self harmed at all since sunday night. I still feel urges but I seem to be able to talk myself down more than I used to. On Wednesday night going out in my car and having a cigarette was rebellion for me…I never do that kind of thing because I have never been given the space to just go out. The fag…I bought them a week or so ago, whenever it was that I saw the people from the STEPPS group. They are in my car so that I am less tempted to smoke them at home. Anyway, I went out and had a fag that day instead of cutting…I decided that I needed to just get some space and I was going to take it no matter what and that if I wanted to smoke I would have one. But no matter what I did, I have no new cuts which is huge.
Today is inset day for the kids so I have them at home. They have been good all morning so now I am going to take them to the leisure centre and let them have some fun. I am a bit anxious about doing this, but I have my eldest with me and the kids are well behaved. I am just hoping that other parents dont have the same idea and that its not packed.
My hubby and I are having a mum and dad day on Monday. My eldest is going to pick up the kids in the afternoon so that we can go out for the day. We need time for us, away from the house, away from the kids, away from the phone and the internet to just talk, to just be. We need to get back the people we are deep inside. I am hoping that this will help a small bit to making life a little easier. In the meantime I am going to continue with everything I am doing and hope that I can find an even keel for everything which is important in my life.