My head feels like it is in a washing machine that’s been left in a lift. I am just going round in circles and my moods are up and down all day long. I feel empty right now, I feel so incredibly low and I’m really finding this whole process of going cold turkey and fighting to get well so hard to do with my husband so far removed from me
I feel completely lost within this marriage right now. It just feels like I am losing my best friend and I am powerless to stop it. Its now Wednesday and we have barely spoken about anything. He is not a narcissist but it feels like that. He will only discuss things involved in his life but anything to do with me he doesn’t seem to be the slightest bit interested. He seems so distant and it’s tearing me apart. I am truly incapable of comprehending where we are headed. The fact that I’m coming off a medication and need some support and love just doesn’t seem to enter his head. I only get a hug if i ask for one. I feel so lonely and incredibly sad at what is going on. I really don’t know how much longer i can keep this going.
Actually,I’m beginning to wonder whether this is going to work out in the long term. I’m not sure that I can spend the rest if my life fighting for every drop of compassion, emotion and a bit of attention from him. It’s tyring enough fighting myself everyday, let alone trying to get something out of my husband which should really just be there. It’s not rocket science, so why is this so hard? I just feel like we are drifting apart. That he really doesn’t love me right now and that he is just here because there is nowhere else to go
I can feelthe anxiety and i guess paranoia eating away at me from inside. I feel panicked by what id happening and out of control of the outcome. I don’t know if it is me that is changing and wants more, needs more emotionally or whether I have been completed blind to this way of being for so long that I accept it as normal. Its just what happens and is to br expected.
What I do know is that I am insecure, unhappy and the uncertainty I feel inside about this and other things is getting progressively worse. I have not imagined life without him very many times, but it keeps crossing my mind. I think that a part of me would be happier but in the same breath I thinkbI would be even more lonely and depressed without him. I do love him and if he wasn’t here I am not sure that I would get through life. I’m not sure that I would want to. When things are good they sre really good and we are happy. But right now this is unbearable. It just hurts all the time and I feel like I am drowning in a constant flow of uncertainty.