This is my third night of going cold turkey from zopiclone, a strong sleeping tablet which should only be used short term and is not recommended for people with BPD. I have been on it since March last year with a brief couple of months at the start when I was taken off it for about 6 weeks. However, I have taken it every day since last June sometimes increasing the dose when I have been at my lowest. Not a good thing, but part of my illness and the way I cope. My decision to go cold turkey is partly due to the horrible events of last Wednesday which I wrote about in my last blog. My the bigger reason is the welfare of my children. I do love my husband very much and have said this so many times on here that I am sure I sound like a broken record. However, it is my children who need me more. They need their mummy back and I can’t be that person when I spend so much of the day feeling groggy and hungover. It takes me until the early afternoon to feel ‘alive’ again and even then I lack much energy to do much. This is not just because of the zopiclone, but the hungover feeling is. So, I made the decision, stupid or not, that the drug place could go and fuck themselves and I would get on with it. Sitting around waiting for them to actually talk to my GP and psychiatrist is getting me nowhere fast. I have gone 2 whole nights and 3 days without it and I am really proud of this.
I have had some withdrawal even though there have been people who have said that it wouldn’t happen. It has been worse at night and in the morning, but the reality is that the physical symptoms are not as bad as I had feared right at this minute and I am hoping that this is the way it will remain. Psychologically I have been struggling a little more. I have been agitated quite a lot, my concentration is all over the place and I feel an intense anger which I don’t normally feel. Don’t get me wrong, I do get angry and I do lose my temper, but this anger is different. I don’t really know how to explain it other than I am really angry inside. I am controlling this anger as best as I can, but it creeps out and I will snap and get annoyed where I wouldn’t normally. I hate aggression and people who are rude to others so I do my best not to behave like this. But today I lost it with the receptionist at the GP surgery. The venlafaxine was increased a few weeks ago by the psychiatrist but the GP had to receive the letter stating this before I could get the right amount of tablets prescribed. I have run out twice and on Friday the letter finally arrived which meant I could get the right amount so I didn’t run out. They promised me it would be ready today and that there was no problem with this. So that was fine. I ran out this morning and my plan was to go this afternoon to get it. Nope, they hadn’t bloody done it yet. I felt annoyed and agitated that this hadn’t happened as I needed to take it in a few hours. To cut a long story short after a lot of pissing about I finally got it, the receptionist however had a dig at me about the fact that I needed to ensure they had 3 full working days to get prescriptions sorted out. I normally do this because I need the co-codamol and don’t want to run out so I know how it works, but this was not my fault. I had no choice but to wait and then get it prescribed asap. Being told off when I had followed what I had been told just really got under my skin and I felt myself steaming up inside and then suddenly I snapped at her and walked off. I was fuming. I did go back and apologise for being rude because I am not like this, I am not rude and I don’t snap at people like that. I hate it being one to me so I don’t do it to others. Plain and simple. I was late taking them and I did have strange feelings and sensations because of this, but I am just relieved I got them and don’t have to go back for another month!
With all of this going on and not feeling great I have actually had a relatively ok day. As those of you who read my blog know I am on Twitter. Over the past few days I feel like I have cemented some really good friendships and feel incredibly supported and loved by a number of them. This means such a lot right now as I feel that at home I am on my own completely. I feel like the people who are meant to be the most supportive are just not interested. Its like I can’t talk about anything which is remotely negative at all. I refer to my husband. I have tried to talk to him and communicate about things, but it feels like he has just distanced himself. I feel like I am a huge burden and that he somehow resents me. I am finding this situation incredibly hard to deal with. Not only does he think that I am hard work emotionally and mentally, but because I can’t climax with him I am now broken in that department too and he seems to have completely lost interest in me. I am embarrassed to admit it, but I decided to see if this was really the case. It did take some time, but I got there. I felt awful afterwards, really dirty and ashamed. I was also felt huge amounts of guilt because he can’t do this for me. This is a horrible feeling to have and often happens when things are not going well within a relationship. Well, they are not going so great, but there is still hope and I am holding on to that as best as I can. But this whole situation with sex and satisfaction, the horrible things that come into my head just make things seem so much worse and I am so desperately lonely. I so want him to just walk up to me and give me a big hug just to let me know he does care, but he has detached himself so much that this never happens. I am terrified of being rejected and abandoned by him. Typical fears of a borderline.
This is a weird situation for me and I do feel lost within it. I am not sure what I am meant to think and how to deal with it. What I keep telling myself is that this will get better, that he does love me and that he is still here. But the lack of talking over the past few days is stupid. We have barely said anything at all. We did have a row on Friday night but he again was holding onto something from the past. I know that I am cursed with holding onto shit from the past, but I am not holding onto things which he did or said. I have let them go and moved on….but he keeps doing this, chucking things at me which are from so long ago I really don’t understand. I really wish sometimes that he could really accept me properly. I feel like he is looking for stupid things to just add to my woes and make me fall apart more. Some of my thinking is complete paranoia. Like maybe he is trying to make me feel so shit about things that I will walk out and he can then have a new relationship with someone who doesn’t carry around with them a small island of baggage.
I feel like I am a complete let down, that it wont matter how hard I try to get well, until I am back to being more like me, nothing I do will be right or good enough. I am paranoid that he has found someone else, that he wants me to leave, that he is pushing me because he wants me to be under his control. These are all stupid thoughts, but they feel so real most of the time. I get so scared that I just shut my mouth because I am terrified that my paranoia is accurate.
My paranoia has reared its ugly head a fair bit over the past few weeks and I have become more guarded about what I share with people, even on Twitter. I don’t want people to hate me and disappear because I am so negative. There are some days when I am ok and my tweets are not too bad, but this doesn’t mean that the world has been put to rights, that I am happy and that I will now go on my merry way. It just means that I am having a reasonable day.
This brings me to bordeline, it is an up and down rollercoaster which is unpredictable and my moods, emotions, thoughts and feelings seem to be all over the place. I try so hard to work through them and to get by each day, but sometimes the BPD really has a mind of its own and trying to contain it and pretend all is fine by putting on yet another mask really does nothing to help me in the long term. Its basically just burying my head in the sand in the vain hope that it will all bugger off and I will be left feeling well and able to deal with things.
I am not really too sure where this was heading. All I know is that I have been trying to make myself tired and this seemed like a good way of trying to do that. I am now exhausted. My vision keeps going blurry and all the aches and stuff are beginning to get bad again.
So, I am off to make a hotwater bottle and to try and grab some sleep.
Thank you as always for reading.