Steps backwards but a huge one forward

Anger, frustration, worthless, unimportant, not worthy of support is how I was left feeling after visiting the drug service. I am desperate to get clean from co-codamol and whilst I may not be taking huge amounts of it, I still rely on it everyday in order to do simple tasks. I cannot remember the last time I didn’t take any or how long ago it was that I became addicted. What I do know is that I am not functioning well, my concentration is awful and we can’t really tell if the anti-depressants are working or not. I have such a mix of chemicals racing around my blood stream its hard to tell anything.

I don’t recall how long ago it was that I saw the nurse at the drug place but I do remember us talking about going on methadone, but first I needed to stabilise and that they wanted to confer with my psychiatrist and GP. When I went there yesterday I was able to tell them that on average I take 6 co-codamol tablets. This does change sometimes and I will take more or less than this but it really depends on what has been going on. I also admitted that I had taken to drinking at night. I don’t every night, but I do it more often than not, mixing it with the zopiclone and co-codamol. I don’t drink a huge amount either because I am simply put, a light weight. It doesn’t take me much to feel tipsy. And I do mean only a small amount…bottle of Kappaberg or a couple of shots of vodka with some mixer….So not a heavy drinker by any means. The nurse was cold and unfriendly from the outset. She wanted to know what had changed my mind about getting prescribed….WELL, I DIDN’T….YOU TOLD ME I WASN’T STABLE AND THAT YOU WOULD CALL ME BY THE END OF THE WEEK TO LET ME KNOW WHAT THE GP AND PSYCHIATRIST SAID….I was thrown by the question and calmly said that I hadn’t ever changed my mind, but that I really needed to get clean, that my life was falling apart and that something had to happen. I cannot sit around waiting forever and this to be honest has been bugging me for ages. There was another lady there who annoyed me from the outset. She was patronising, looked at me like I was a real loser and when I said about the possibility of anti-psychotics being prescribed once I am clean both of them rolled their eyes and looked at one another like I was pathetic, making a bigger deal out of things….I felt so uncomfortable. I just wanted to runaway and not bother.

The nurse told me to wait in the lobby whilst she spoke with her supervisor. I had to wait for 10 mins, when she came back the other lady wasn’t there which I was grateful for. The nurse told me again that they were not going to prescribe me anything. I know that alcohol shouldn’t be mixed with methadone, but from my own working I am also very much aware that the amount that I drink is nowhere near enough for it to be an issue and given I am not an alcoholic not drinking wouldn’t be the worst thing on the planet. They were just full of bullshit. She also said that she wanted to speak with my GP and psychiatrist….well why the fuck hadn’t she already done it when I saw her the first time?!?!?! My temper was beginning to go by now, my patience wearing thin and my frustration growing by the second. This really pissed me off and I told her that I wasn’t happy and that no this was not OK. She tried placate me but I was done with being fobbed off. She implied at some point during the meeting that this was all my fault. That because I was now drinking this was more problematic. After my little teary outburst and complete frustration she said that I really wasn’t taking that much co-codamol….My head swam….well YOU told me that it was dangerous to take more….given the paracetamol….I have to fucking take it every single day to do anything and when things are shit and I feel like I am not coping I take more. So no, I am not a heroin user but I am ADDICTED to OPIATES and I NEED help to get clean which YOU are meant to be doing. If I was on heroin they would help me far quicker. I am willing and wanting to get clean so why don’t you just fucking help me????? I am used to feeling like I am a waste of space, that I am not worth anything, but to be made to feel this so acutely at a time when I already feel this way so strongly was getting too much to bear. She waffled on at me about how she wanted me to go to groups for addiction and that they wouldn’t be providing me with any counselling like I had originally been told. Another fucking group?! But I would have to travel to places I don’t know and this I cannot do. She said to me that this was something I would just have to deal with…I find it hard getting out the front door let alone going anywhere else…I did say all this in my assessment…Im not making this up. I felt so pathetic, she just looked at me like I would go if it meant getting clean. Well, no thats not how it works. STUPID BITCH….Apologies but I am still angry about how I was treated and how I was made to feel.

When she was done telling me about all the groups I could attend I literally ran to the exit. She followed me up the stairs and said goodbye to me, but I just needed to get out of there. I felt claustrophobic. My chest felt tight and I was shaking. I walked back to my car and started my 40 minute drive home. On the way home there was a narrow stretch of road which was twisty. There was a large lorry coming round the bend and in order for it not to hit me I had to move over a little on my side and slow down. For a second an image flashed in my head of being hit by the lorry and I just didn’t care. I must have been driving on auto-pilot because I had moved over and the lorry missed me by a fraction. I almost felt disappointed. The tears ran down my face the rest of the journey home.

I had to go home via the kids school as I had also arranged to see the school welfare lady. She is really lovely and very supportive. We had a good chat and although I still felt shit about things I also felt that even if I wasn’t getting the support I needed that at least my kids would. She phoned me later that day and told me that following a conversation with my youngest child they were going to refer him to an art therapist once a week as he is suffering with anxiety. They are also referring us to social care. Not because they think we need a social worker or there is any dnager to the kids, if they thought that they would have done it. This was done with my consent. The plan being I will have a lady who will come to my home and meet with me and discuss things with the notion of getting things organised. Apparently they will also take the kids out for an hour or we will all go out. She is meant to be someone who will support all of us, hubby included and surprisingly he was okay about this. We are concerned about my son. He is a good kid, very caring but his behaviour at home has been worrying us both and now that it has been observed at school, there is justifiably something that needs to be done for him. The girls are fine which is good. I decided whilst I was talking to her that I was going to go cold turkey with the co-codamol and zopiclone. I don’t want to go to the drug place and I know that I won’t, ever. I told hubby about this and he was on board so I started today to plan for it.

This has truly been a hideous few months, everything seems to be coming at me at once. On Monday I had a review of my BPD. It was the same questionnaire that we took before being accepted onto the STEPPS course. I only just scored to get on it last time I took it, this time I scored 27 out of 36 and makes my BPD serious/severe. I can’t remember exactly. All I know is that my actual diagnosis has changed a lot over the past few months and and that the BPD has gone from being traits to being complete. There is some concern that I dissociate and have large amounts of missing time. Its all very strange…that and hearing voices and images at night. Last night I fell asleep watching a movie with my husband, I woke up with a jerk and thought that there was someones evil face coming at me. It took a bit of time for me to realise that it was in fact my knee and the shape of the kids stuff on the sofa…but I was freaked out nonetheless.

I didn’t drink last night either so it cannot be blamed on that. In fact when I do drink I don’t hear or see so many things which is perhaps why I have felt the need to drink at night.

When I started writing this it was lunch time, I have struggled to get my thoughts down and for things to make sense. It’s now almost 9pm and I am feeling exhausted. I am ready for the weekend to arrive and know that I don’t have to get up at the crack of dawn. There is one huge thing that has happened today which is honestly some of the best news I have had in I don’t know how long. I got a call from the women’s centre where I attended an assessment for counselling some time ago. I have been waiting to hear about having a counsellor and up until today there had been no joy. But this afternoon I received a phone-call from the lady who did the assessment. We had a chat and I filled her in on how I was feeling…she apologised that it had taken her so long to get back to me but said that she was going to take me on. She had felt that we had gelled well in the assessment and wanted to work with me. She told me not to go cold turkey and that she would help me to get clean, that we would work it out together, this makes me feel such relief. I do want to get clean but I am so scared about just stopping them. My eyes filled with tears and I thanked her profusely for being willing to work with me. I know that BPD is a major issue for some counsellors and other professionals so to have her take me on has made me very happy. My first appointment is next week. I am nervous but also for the first time in my life completely ready for the next step on this journey called ‘My Life’.


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