Post continued from 12th June

I started this on 13th June to continue on from my post from Thursday 12th June, however I was interrupted and so it didn’t get finished. Its now Saturday and I have a few minutes to finish it….so here it is

My first marriage ended 10 years ago on the 21st March. How do I remember dates…his 25th birthday was the day before and it was mother’s day. He had gone out the night before and not come in until the tiny hours of the morning. He then fucked off out with his cousin and went to a spa to ‘relax’. I was left at home to clean and tidy. The worst mother’s day I have ever had. He came home and got changed and when he came downstairs he had his tin of skunk ready to roll up. I was angry and hurt. I really couldn’t understand what I had done to deserve being treated like I was nothing. He told me that he didn’t give a shit that it was mother’s day, my daughter was just mine and really had nothing to do with him. I was crushed. For 4 years she had called him daddy, we had got married and we were meant to be a family. I couldn’t fathom out why he had become so completely disinterested. What had I done? I had done nothing other than try to work on my marriage with him and be a good wife.

My best friend had been amazingly supportive to my daughter and I as my husband got us in to debt, stopped providing food for us. I had gone on benefits just because we literally had no money to pay the bills, rent or food. It was next to nothing that I got and I felt terrible for doing it, but I had no choice. He stole money from work as well. Everything was piling up and I had no idea what to do. Part of me did love him, he was my husband, but I wasn’t in love with him any more. I was beginning to feel trapped and really unhappy. My bf would come over and we would spend hours talking, laughing and joking, he would take me and my daughter out and pay for us to eat decent food. When my husband was aggressive to me in front of him, he just hugged and held me. He made me feel safe and given that we had known each other by now for a decade we had a strong friendship. I confess that I had feelings for him. I always did. But at 14 we were far too young for anything so serious. We had other relationships and I had my daughter so it was never the right time. He got married when he was 20, I went to the wedding and felt my heart break. He was gone…I would never be able to be with him. So I got married 6 months later to a boy I barely knew. I think perhaps I was scared of being on my own. We did have fun, but there was a tension that no matter what was always there.

My bf’s marriage broke down and my husband and I were there to pick up the pieces and over the next two years he was there for me too as things took a nasty turn in my own. A year after his marriage broke down I think that the feelings that had been there at 14 were there again. We had kissed before when we were teenagers and at my 18th birthday…If we hadn’t have been interrupted he could have been the father of my daughter, but it didnt happen so….

That sunday as things just seemed to be getting progressively worse, I thought about how I was feeling about my bf. When my husband had sex with me I would think of my bf, I wanted to spend more time with him. I didn’t want to be with my husband any more. I asked my husband if he loved me, he paused for a really long time…he was staring at the floor and I got this huge urge to punch him. I want to hit him again and again and again. I didn’t instead I broke the silence and said that he didn’t. I gave him an option. I told him if he didn’t want to be there with me and my daughter and would prefer to have his freedom and drugs that he should make a decision that he should leave. I didn’t say anything else to him. He decided to leave…I was not hurt, I was so angry…I phoned my mum and sister to tell them, they drove over to my house. Whilst I waited for them to arrive I called my bf and told him the news. He came over too. I sat up all night talking to him. My mum and sister went home when he got there. I wasn’t the mess they thought I would be, I was just angry.

My bf and I were in love, we got together a month later which is perhaps a bad thing and makes me a slut, but my husband had already started to see someone else.

As I said in the previous post, I didn’t realise that I had been emotionally and mentally abused until 2009. I just knew that it had been rough and that I had drunk a lot of alcohol. My relationship with my bf was not easy. We knew each other as friends and therefore it took time to adjust. There was a huge amount of love but moving forward to a more intimate relationship was scary for both of us. I feel pregnant with my 2nd daughter following a fire in my house. I had a migraine and hadn’t cleared up properly. I smoked and used matches. My 6 year old found and played with them. She got scared by the flame and dropped them on a box that was on the sofa in the living room. We had been clearing out things and getting ready for him to move in with me so the place was a huge mess. I was in bed having taken some paracetamol for my head. She had still been asleep so I figured I had another hour or so before she woke. I was woken up by the sound of her screaming and then the sound of the fire alarm. I thought she had been using the toaster and burnt the toast. I realised it wasn’t as I got down the stairs…it was in the living room, i remember standing in the doorway seeing these huge flames rising up higher and higher, I thought I could put it out, but the flames were just too big. Before I knew it the fire was bouncing around the ceiling and moving across the room. I dont really remember very much else but I sent my daughter to the front door to get out, she ran upstairs I screamed for her to come down, just as we got out the door the smoke engulfed my little home. I called the 999 for the firebrigade only for it to cut out…I don’t remember getting the phone, it was across the otherside of the living room and I only remember standing in the doorway.

This whole thing meant that my bf and I moved in together into his one bed place which was small. I had nightmares for months. It was hard and I found out about 4/5 weeks later that I was pregnant. This was so much to take in. I couldn’t handle things at all and the stress was taking its toll on both of us. He seemed to have a temper that I had never witnessed before and he spoke to my daughter in a way that I didn’t like. I didn’t like the fact that when he got angry he would just ignore me and pretend I wasn’t there. It felt all of a sudden like I had moved from one bad relationship into another. I moved in with my mum until my house was ready and split up with him. This was so, so hard to do because I did truly love him and he was my bf, I didn’t have him to talk to now about things and I just felt so lost, not to mention I was pregnant with his baby. How the fuck did I get myself into this mess? A single mum with 2 kids from 2 fathers…Wow, my mum was so proud…NOT…I felt hideous from the get go. I lost weight, I had sickness all the way through and looking back now I would say that my mental health was not great. I had been through a lot and had no time to process any of it. From the end of August until November I would sit and stare at my phone wanting to call him but knowing that my babies came first and that there was no way I was going to be with someone who could be like that. Finally one morning in November I came downstairs to find a letter and a few of my cds which I had left at his. I love my music and he felt that I would want them. He said how sorry he was, that he missed me and that he wanted us to be friends and that he would always be there for me and to get in touch when I was ready.

I took my daughter to school and then phoned him. I cannot explain how much I love his voice, how good it was to speak to him and laugh again. I had missed him so much. We spent the next few weeks talking, he came over and took me out and we dealt with the issues which had caused us to split up. Obviously we got back together and made a go of things. We have had stormy times and huge fights. But these I think are typical of a couple. They were not like the fights I had with my ex husband, he didn’t go to hit me, he didn’t do that to me and he didn’t tell me how ugly I was etc. He did sometimes walk away and go out which is something I really cannot handle. My ex used to do that all the time, he would throw his wedding ring at me and storm out and tell me he wanted a divorce. I would get really worked up and when he returned later I was always a mess. I would apologise for being whatever he said I was and we would move on. With my bf, I couldn’t cope with this. I would have mild panic attacks and just sit rocking backwards and forwards. I have learnt over the past decade that this is what he does in order to get space, however, he now tends to stay in the house and go to a room, I leave him alone and when its been awhile we will then talk. He knows I cannot handle the walking out and has compromised on that.

He is incredibly supportive to my plans for the future, he knows me really well and when I go off course he helps to steer me back in the right direction. But over the past year the way he speaks to me has at times really not been nice. My daughter thinks that he treats me like shit and that I deserve better. Today we were in tesco and we were looking at cables. The kids have tablets because I decided I had enough of the fighting over things but they dont look after the charger leads, they need replacing. I said this to him only to be told that we were not going to get any more that the tablets had been an bad idea, that the kids had to learn that they needed to look after their stuff and that I also needed to learn. I did challenge this but he sort of got aggressive sounding and I wasn’t about to have a huge fight over something so stupid in public so I just shut up. However, I did feel like he was being controlling, treating and talking to me like I was a child. He annoyed me and made me feel very small. I don’t know if he understands that this is how he comes across sometimes, but he makes me feel like this a lot, he does it in front of my kids too. I feel humiliated and undermined when he does that. I asked him a little earlier if he sees me as being a child and he said that yes he does sometimes. He feels right now that he has two teenagers and one about to burst out of our 9 yr old.

I am not a child, but I do accept that right now I am more like a teenager than a 34 year old. I don’t make things easy for him, but I also feel triggered at times by the way he is. This is what my psychiatrist is concerned about. We talked through all this and it has been suggested that this is emotional abuse. I cannot deal with this thought, I cannot handle the idea that there is a chance that this is an issue I will have to deal with again. I love him, I always have done. I spoke to a friend about all of this and said that I didn’t feel well enough to deal with it, that I didn’t know whether I was oversensitive to things or whether there really was something to be worried about. She agreed that I was not well enough and that for now I needed to just focus on dealing with the things that I do know. Once I am well it may be that there is no need for concern and that its just in my head.

For now though, it is his birthday. We had a good day together for the majority of the time yesterday. Today, we have had a lazy start but will be going out later with the kids to celebrate and then tomorrow is father’s day so its a packed weekend. Last night he was playing is guitar which I love to hear, my daughter said to me is this why you love daddy…I said its one of many reasons. I asked him why he loved me….his answer, because I love him. He doesn’t say things very often and seemed a little embarrassed, but I know that he loves me no matter what….so perhaps things are in my head and I just need to be well.

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