Up and down

It was all going so well. Lazy wake up this morning with tea. Lighthearted conversation followed by some serious laughs thanks to the comedy gala on 4 on demand.

We had no food so braved tesco. Was surprisingly quiet for a Saturday and although i was a bit anxious i remained calm and we got round the shop quickly and easily. So often its a complete nightmare and i dont cope too well. Today, for me, i did great.

Its been a relatively uneventful day and i had hoped that the evening would remain calm and relaxed.

Nope, not to be. The little ones are irritating and i have no patience with them. Im trying not to say too much because i dont want to lose my rag with them.

The oldest just doesnt seem to be able to speak to me like im a human being that has feelings. She’s really aggressive towards me and argumentative. I know she’s a teenager and generally expected but she doesn’t do it to her dad…only me. She talks to me like im shit on her shoe and i really can’t handle that.

Then there is my husband who blows hot and cold with me. He snaps at me so quickly, talks at me like im a child and ignores me a lot of the time. I know that what he has a lot that he’s dealing with. I have been told several times how wonderful he is being, how supportive, that he clearly loves me. Maybe he does and perhaps im being selfish and pathetic. But there are times when i really get sick of hearing that. I get fed up of worrying how hes doing and how this is affecting him.

He wont talk to me about the therapy,  he wont come to any of the things that hes been asked to come to as my main support. He doesn’t seem to be the slightest bit interested in what the professionals are trying to do to help me. He belittles some of it so that i feel like a fucking moron and he wonders why i dont want to talk to him. Tomorrow hes fucking off with his mates from work on a bike ride. There’s a bunch of blokes and a woman going. Yes, i feel jealous. Pathetic and so stupid. I am terrified that hes going to meet someone and stop being interested in me.

The people who were in my therapy group seem to have all vanished. I feel completely deserted. Hubby hates the fact that im always on twitter or blogging but this is the only way right now i know how to distract myself. To socialise. Im so fucking lonely. I feel completely isolated and disconnected. I don’t have a life any more.

I am fighting my arse off trying to stay with it, trying to get through each day. A few weeks ago i literally didn’t leave my bedroom unless it was for the school run, appointments and shopping. I didn’t want to be with my family because i just couldnt handle being around them, having to fake a happy smile.

Today i have genuinely been happy and have had a laugh, but ive also at times had to force myself to feel it.

I’ve had fleeting thoughts of suicide, but in comparison to last weekend, im not so bad. But I really cant stand how i feel so much of the time. I hate how i cam never seem to keep hold of a happy, calm and relaxed feeling. Its like i don’t deserve to feel that way.

Its still light outside but i know the darkness is going to descend any time now. This is the time when things just become so much harder to deal with. I used to have a life, maybe not rhe healthiest,  but i had friends, i wanted to go out and be sociable. I am a sociable person. When i get tipsy or a bit too drunk i let go of the things i fear and tend to just go with things. I’ll sing and dance (all badly). Will laugh and joke with people and have a good time. I lose all my inhibitions and feel invincible. When i was younger this would inevitably lead to sleeping around, or kissing the nearest person to me. BUT i was happy. Now i just drink to forget things. I cant let go with my husband although i would like to more than anything else. Today should have ended in a relaxed evening with the kids going to bed, some quality time for me and him which would then lead to making love. Well, thats not going to happen. I dont want to get close to him…i am pissed and a little high from the cocodamol,  although its not completely hit yet,  that i could easily be persuaded, but I also have all these other thoughts running through my head now about being cheap and easy. About having little respect for myself. Why would i want to have sex right now with someone who has made me feel like shit. He probably didn’t mean to, but he did. Why is sex the only way that i feel loved? Truly, its the only way i feel wanted, needed, attractive and accepted.

I dont talk about the way i look very often because i am incredibly self-conscious, i feel embarrassed and have often felt its the way i look which makes people think im not worth getting to know. In fact im certain of it. The way i am inside is very different to the person on the outside. My mum always went on about how gorgeous both my brother and sister were, in fact she still does. The one time that i was more desirable was the time i got raped. My first husband told me that i was unattractive, fat and ugly. My now husband does nothing to make me feel that this isnt true. I feel like I’m the last person he would look at if he had a choice. He knows I’m not a girly girl…i never have been and the way that i dressed at 18 is not how i would dress now. I’m not free and single and trying to pull. Im a mother of 3 and a wife. I also feel that he wants what he sees when he watches porn. In fact i know this because when i had pnd after my second child I found his secret stash.. Some of it i really didn’t like but i was more disturbed by the fact that this wasn’t something we had discussed. We had only been together for two months when i got pregnant. There was a period where i ended things because there was just so much that had happened in such a small amount of time that i just couldnt handle it all. He won me back after about 3 months, but porn was really not something that we talked about. Its never really bothered me but suddenly it did.

We’ve been together for a long time now and we have an understanding… Although i suspect that he watches far more than i want to know. The problem with porn though is that it creates this idea of what he wants and desires. I can’t live up to those expectations. Im not 18 any more. Ive had 3 kids. Ive had an operation to remove ny gallbladder which i have scars from. I have struggled to lose the baby weight and because of all the other things that have happened in my life i now feel fat and ugly and just not good enough. I feel invisible. The only time im going to get noticed is if i put my boobs on show. Im more than a pair of boobs. Ive always been more than them. When your younger you learn to use your assets to attract others, but i spent a year or so of my life being raped by my husband. He made me feel disgusting. Why would he want me if i was so fat and ugly? Why cant my current husband tell me im beautiful?  That he loves me the way i am? I have lost 2 and a half stone since last July. It fell off me initially and then slowed and in the past 3 months ive lost another half stone. I haven’t dine anything to lose it, but he doesn’t say anything. He doesnt comment at all…i feel completely invisible, unattractive and not worth the effort. He doesnt initiate anything sexual at all. He hasnt for years and I just can’t do it any more. Having sex when im drunk is almost like a done deal…I’ve always been that way, unless im paralytic (forgotton how to spell)… in which case i am generally aware of whats going on but cant really do much.

I am not sure what the point of this post is…i think im just really struggling with a host of things and yeah, i have mentioned telling my story from the beginning as it might help. But sex is a huge part of my story and i struggle with all these thoughts and feelings even now. I feel like my body betrays my head. Its like i have no control over it and i hate the fact that sex is one of the few things that makes me feel good at the same time that it makes me feel so bad.

Im sorry for the complete drivel ive jist written. Am fucked from the pills and booze and feeling so lost and confused. I really want someone to love me completely for me….and i dont think anyone ever will.

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One thought on “Up and down

  1. Please don’t apologise for anything Lib, I think you should be really proud of yourself for another heroically honest post. It’s not easy to get these things out, especially our insecurities and vulnerabilities. I feel really sad that you feel so unattractive. To feel invisible really is very very upsetting. I empathise because I have never felt physically attractive. I make friends easily, but I often think I’m just not made to be wanted sexually. I really hope your husband decides to start engaging with things, it’s such a shame that he isn’t helping you to realise what a fantastic person you are.

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