I sometimes feel like I am banging my head against a brick wall with trying to get better. Often the cause of this is myself and I am told to challenge these intrusive thoughts, to think positively, distract, communicate and distance myself. It is also drummed into you that seeking help is important, being open, honest and engaging with therapists, psychiatrists and anyone else involved in your care plan.
For weeks I have been trying to keep my head above water. Being completely open and honest about all the things I think and feel is alien to me but I have pushed myself to do so. I have been fighting as hard as I can to do everything that they want me to do. I have gone for assessments, repeated myself a million times and still managed to get the kids to school, dinner on the table and the clothes washed for everyone else.
I feel like I am in a catch 22 right now. I need to be treated for drug addiction so I need to be on a programme in order to get this. But because I am unstable they are not willing to have me on it until I am. This is for my own benefit, and I do understand this. So, my meds have been increased only a week ago. I have to give it two weeks for the side effects to wear off before anything else. So maybe in another 3 weeks I will be able to see the shrink again…depending on how I am doing…but put simply…if these dont kick in and do the job then that means more upping or adding of meds, my sleeping is completely shot and no one will prescribe me anything for that because of the zopiclone.
So, until I am sorted with this side of things there will be no drugs programme. When I went for the assessment for the drugs programme they told me that I cannot have counselling in two places, that I would have to stop the other one…I am still on the waiting list for counselling at the Womens Centre and its likely to be a few more weeks before they find me someone…maybe september. Yesterday I was told that I would not be able to have any counselling with the drug team until I am on the programme and receiving a script. This completely threw me and upset me.
I was also meant to get a call about the co-codamol and whether my GP is going to prescribe me more tablets so that i dont run out or whether the drug place will have to do it instead. Either way, I would like to know but a week on I am still waiting to hear and I called yesterday and was promised I would be contacted today…
My head feels like its going to explode, I have so many things going on I dont know which way to turn. I am a crappy mum right now, my marriage has been balancing precariously on a mountain of broken egg shells and I really felt that things were getting to make or break time. I am so unhappy within myself, I despise so many more things than I have explained so far. I have so much stuff bubbling up to the surface that I am scared that its all just going to come spewing out and I am not ready for that and how I am going to feel. I want to be ready, not explode into a million little pieces.
I am not sure that this even makes any sense. I have taken co-codamol as usual but I needed (and please dont say you dont need) a drink too. My head is buzzing with noise, so many thoughts and I can’t decipher them, I am lost in a world which makes no sense at all. My emotions are so fragile, they break so easily and it takes so much time to piece them back together and most of the time they dont get put back together.
I feel like I am fighting this battle on my own sometimes. The support from people I have been lucky enough to meet through twitter and Anxiety United has really made a difference, but I need something here with me now. I dont want to have to keep chasing up things, I would like the care co-ordinator who was assigned to me at the beginning of LAST MONTH to fucking make contact with me. She’s meant to be supporting me now that group therapy has finished which was a month ago almost….I feel like I’m drowning.
I am not sure what I was expecting with being in treatment for BPD, but I dont think that this is it. There are times when I actually feel so much worse than I did before I went into treatment. I feel more hacked off and angry than I ever have. Maybe thats because I am allowing myself to feel things more, I am not hiding them away as much. I still put on the fake smile and get on with things, but inside I just don’t want to know. For a few minutes here and there I feel like I am happy, but it really doesn’t last long.
My self harming has got bad again and the other urges just wont leave me. Everything is a battle right now, even breathing hurts. I want out of this so badly, I can’t help this feeling inside, I dont know how to get rid of it. I would like simply not to feel any more, not to have so many wounds that need tending to. WHY CANT I JUST LET IT ALL GO?????? WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME THAT I AM HAUNTED BY EVERYTHING?????? JUST FUCKING WHY??????????