To sleep or not to sleep

THIS POST COMES WITH A TRIGGER WARNING… IT CONTAINS DETAILS OF SEXUAL ABUSE, SUCIDAL THOUGHTS AND MENTIONS SELF.HARM. Please dont read this if you are sensitive to these issues.

Its 3.10am in the morning. I am Wide awake and as I am sure many of you know this completely sucks. Having insomnia has been a part of my life for a long time, so you would think I would be used to it by now. But oh, this is sooooo frustrating.

The venlafaxine was increased on tues from 150mg to 205mg. When i started venlafaxine I had some horrible side effects. It made me sick. I couldn’t even keep water down. I had tingling in my arms and legs, uncontrollable shakes which I still get sometimes. Insomnia was bad too.

Im watching Desperate Housewives, it reminds me of when the children were babies and i had to do the night feeds. It would be on tv as repeats so it would be something to keep me vaguely awake as i dealt with my little ones. Although i was exhausted, these are happy memories.

Being unable to sleep is a symptom I get with my BPD, probably the depression part. I have sleeping tablets but they dont work. Nights aren’t good for me. Not just because of the insomnia but because its when I feel the most vulnerable, flashbacks and voices from the past haunt me. This happens pretty much every night.

Right now I feel like Im 14. My feelings are mixed up about lots of things. I feel confused about how i fit into my family. My sister shouts and screams at me often that she wishes that I had not come home from boarding school. At school i just dont fit in. I’ve tried to make friends but I get the feeling they don’t like me. I feel so alone. I feel completely invisible to everyone. My mum shouts at me too about everything I just can’t do anything right any more.

Some days i feel so empty. I stay hidden in my room all day. I refuse to go to school because i am thick. I can’t do the work and i really dont care about it. What’s the point in it? The only attention i get is from someone who has been molesting me for 6 years. He gives me the creeps and i feel sick when his hand brushes against my body. But at the same time i like it too because i feel like someone can see me. But i hate myself for being so fucking pathetic, so desperate and i am so fucking disgusted with myself.

I started smoking a few weeks ago. It calms me and i like the way ir tastes and feels as i inhale it. But it doesnt feel enough. Its not helping. I need something else. My dad has whiskey…its wrong i know but i couldnt give a fuck any more. So I’ve been having some at night. You see i get scared at night.

I dont sleep, i jump at every noise. He has come into my room in the past by climbing through my window. But he also comes up to my room pretending that he had come to say goodnight. He climbs on top of me and puts his lips on mine. This just makes me confused cos i dont like it but i do. I want to tell him to get off when he does that but i dont at the same time. So completely screwed up. I dont know what to think about it any more. Hes heavy and i dont like that i cant breathe.

When i was younger he would leave the duvet over me but now he takes it off. I know my night clothes are thin and i dont have a bra on…i feel vulnerable and i can feel that he is turned on. Im scared hes going to do more, but i sort of want that too…my head is so fucked up.

But it’s not just him. There is also a girl. We dont see her often but my mum loves her. She has been doing stuff to me since i was little. She is pretty and we have been playing this game. It has been different for the past couple of years…im changing. Im no longer that little kid and i feel embarrassed about her seeing me.

The last time she came round my mum went out shopping and left us alone. She came up to my room. I was listening to music. Dont remember what else, think i was trying to write an essay or some other boring shit like that. She came in my room and sat on the bed. We had small talk about crap…how school was, i asked her about what she was doing…she was at uni….she said she had a boyfriend now. I was happy about that because i thought it would mean that she wasnt interested in touching me.

I was wrong. She wanted to play the game. My heart beat really fast and my stomach did flips. I didnt want to. I didnt want her to see me naked because it had been so long since she had seen me and i had changed. I was embarrassed. But she said it was fine and that it would be some fun. Fuck knows what was going on in my head. Why the fuck didn’t i just tell her to leave me alone? Why the fuck was i so fucking stupid? Why did it matter so fucking much if she liked me or not?

I stripped to my underwear and lay on the bed. I felt cold and nervous. I was unsure what was going to happen. I felt self conscious about how i looked and what she was thinking. I was shaking. She bent her head to my ear and whispered that it was ok and that it was still just our game. Nothing had changed. She put her hand on my stomach. I remember she had soft hands, warm. I was so cold. Her hands moved up to my bra and she touched my breasts….I could feel that my face went bright red…she said it was cute. I wanted to cover myself up…i wanted to make it all stop but i couldnt move. I couldn’t say anything i was frozen in place. She reached behind me and undid the clips and took off my bra. My stomach flipped. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears. It was racing. She looked at me for what felt like forever, it probably wasn’t but i was uncomfortable. Why the fuck didnt i cover up or say no or do something? I didn’t, i just lay there and let her touch me. She kissed me, groped me bit me. She took off the rest of my underwear and touched me. She took of her clothes off too. This wasn’t the first time that something like this had happened, far from it. But this was the first time that i understood what was happening. I wasn’t a little kid any more, i was a teenager, i understood what sex was. And i knew that this was not a game,  that this was wrong and that i.could say no. Why didnt i…why didn’t i stop it?

I just lay there and let her do whatever. My body seemed to have a mind of it’s own and as hard as i tried not to like anything….it just didnt work. She made me touch her too like we had done so many times before. This was just a game… A game i had played since i was 6. A game that i really didnt understand and that made me feel uncomfortable. A game that seemed to be liked by many people. This just seemed to be what was expected.

The tears are running down my face as im writing this. My head is just so full of these memories, not understanding why i didnt stop it. Why i allowed myself to be used. Why did i do nothing. Those voices I hear are the little whispers in my ears. The flashbacks are of shadows, of being unable to breathe. Of being scared when my.door opened at night.

Its almost 5am now and i am still wide awake. I want to sleep…i dont want these memories. I dont want this to have happened and i dont want to feel the way i do right now. I want to cut, get off my face and pop a load of pills. I dont want to feel anything i want to be able to sleep. For more than 20 years i have buried everything. Ive hidden it all away because whilst some of it i know was not my fault. There is so much which happened which i feel is my fault. I didnt try to get away. I let things happen. I didnt tell anyone i didnt help myself. I chose to do so many other things instead. With the counselling i lied and said it was just my parents splitting up and the breakdown of my relationship with my siblings. Not fitting in at school. I never said anything to anyone.

I never found anyone i trusted enough to share stuff with. I have always felt so ashamed. I am so ashamed now. I dislike myself so intensely.

Being mentally unwell is my fault to. If i had been brave enough to tell someone at the time perhaps there is a chance that i would have sorted things out and now i would be able to live in the present instead.of drifting in and out of different ages and events. Perhaps i wouldnt feel so frightened at night. Perhaps i wouldnt have flashbacks and hear voices.

I really dont know why i wrote all this crap. I dont feel any better. I just feel so empty and worthless and stupid. I’ve really been struggling with what came out in another post. I didn’t intend to write it…it just came out and now its like pandoras box has been opened and my head is just so full.

I want it to be quiet. I try to distract myself, relax blah, blah, blah. I do those things but nothing works, not for long. They just come racing back at me and its a neverending stream. I feel suicidal so much of the time because i cant handle all this stuff. I feel so shit inside and its so pathetic. I try to cover it all up. A brave face. A fake smile. I try to enjoy having a laugh but it just feels like im constantly on a stage acting. Im so tired of all these things. Im tired of not knowing who i am. Of suddenly feeling 14 or 6 or whatever age it is. My moods are unpredictable and nothing seems to help me. I can be ok one minute and down the next. I dont enjoy many things any more. I feel completely overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done. A slow process to getting better. One day at a time…i get it all…i know it. But i just dont know that i have the energy or the will power to keep on going. Im holding onto the fact i have my own little family that i adore. But the thoughts are still there. Strong urges to self harm in a severe manner i fight hard not to do.

Everyday i fight and fight and fight. I want to work with the mh team to get myself sorted, but it seriously just seems endless. I cant see a sign anywhere that says that this is going in the right direction. I feel like i take a step forward and then take giant leaps backwards. I dont really know where i am any more and im sure that people are getting tired of hearing all my.negative crap. Being positive is important…. I wish i.could feel that but right now i dont feel it at all. I just wish that my head wasnt mine. That all this stuff was not my life…i just dont know anything any more.

Please someone tell me what the point is because i really can’t see one.

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6 thoughts on “To sleep or not to sleep

  1. You’ve done so good writing this my friend. It must have felt like hell. It is NOT your fault, never ever, your fault. I’m so glad you’ve trusted us enough to share this. Love and hugs.

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  2. The point is the here and now… Stuff happens and we do what we do, it can’t be changed – but right now you are loved properly, decently & as you deserve, hold on to THESE feelings SO tight 🙂 Much love xxx

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  3. I don’t normally comment on blog posts, because there are so many great posts, and I have so little time. But this is a different league, and I can’t let it pass without a few words.
    Firstly to say, huge huge respect for writing, so vividly about such painful experiences. Seriously. Just revisiting such memories must be hard enough, but to write about them, so candidly, must be both utterly exhausting and very emotionally destabilising. I fear that it’s going to take a lot more time and strength to cope with releasing such demons. But, my God, what bravery and courage! This moment is *massive* and I think could change your life.
    The real tragedy in your story, however, is not what happened to you (though clearly, unspeakably awful), but the shame and the guilt that you still hold. I completely understand you wishing that you’d felt and behaved differently, that you hadn’t had such mixed feelings, that you’d been more resistant. Because that way, the pain might be less, the abuse might not have gone on for so long. But you were a child. And a very very vulnerable one at that. This is the cruelest aspect of abuse. It needs vulnerability. As you know, your BPD means you have an especially strong need for love and an especially strong fear of abandonment. Those are not flaws, they are wonderful, wonderful things, that make you such a loving, caring, and sensitive person! But they were also exploited. When you were young, confused, and vulnerable. That 14 year old girl has *nothing* to be ashamed of and *nothing* to feel guilty for. She was abused by some very twisted people. If you can understand that, and show yourself compassion, understanding, and love (as I know you would for *any* other person who’d been exploited in the same way) I believe you will begin to free yourself from their oppression.
    Take care of yourself, you’ve been pushing yourself a long long way in short time, and you’re going to need some time and love to catch up with it all. But as screwed up ad you may feel, I think you should be so so proud of yourself. Our demons don’t like the light, and you just put yours out in the sun. Love and hugs xxx

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  4. I probably shouldn’t of read this but I have. I did a SALT ( Sexual Abuse Listening Therapy) In one of the session they told me to go out and buy a teddy for my inner child so something she would like. Then when I was feeling my worst to cuddle it and talk to her and tell her everything is going to be ok you are safe now. I must admit I thought they was joking but It does work. they say its the inner child that need reassuring then that should calm you. hope it works. sorry If it confusing I am not good at writing find things hard to explain. Be kind to yourself you are so worth more xx

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  5. You are very brave sharing all of this. Don’t load yourself with more pressure to feel positive and don’t worry about the judgement of other people. They have not been through what you’ve been through.
    Healing from abuse is a long process. I’m only just getting there but I’ve had to go through all the emotions, the guilt, the anger, the fear. It’s not easy. And it’s okay to feel all of these things and more.
    Take it easy on yourself xx

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  6. Love you so much. Ill be your energy and your will power. The point is that you are amazing and you will achieve everything in life that you want too! FACT. You dont know how special you are. Hang on in there, ill be here every step of the way xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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