Day 5/30 – A time where you were depressed

This one should be easy to write about, but trying to think of a specific time is really not straightforward at all. There have been so many different times and varying lengths. So which one do I choose to share in this challenge?

Probably the time I can recall the most was when i was 13/14. I had been feeling really down for a long time but I didn’t understand the way I felt and being at this age hormones and puberty kept being mentioned. It just seemed to be a normal thing, nothing to be overly worried about and something which I would get through and over. 

However, being sucidial at 13 is something which makes people stop for a few minutes and take seriously these ‘down’ moods. But trying to explain why I was feeling down and like life was not worth living was difficult to say the least. To be honest, I don’t remember why I couldn’t tell anyone. But as I look back now I have a real sense that I felt that no one would believe me if I told them. When I had orginally said something, it was listened to but nothing really changed. The abuse I suffered when I was much younger I had created into a game, nothing bad. Just an early sexual experience and nothing more. In fact this way of thinking is pretty much I how I dealt with it until last year. 

This probably makes little sense to those of you who dont know me. I have written some other blogs detailing my past and I am going to share them on here at some point. So, I apologise for anything which seems nonsensical. I just can’t write all about it again. Its far too hard and I can’t cope right now with all the feelings that it raises.

Back to the depression – I was diagnosed with depression at 13 and a half, counselling and anti-depressants were prescribed. But non of it helped, I got lower and I attempted to OD twice, Once 6 months later after I was told my parents were getting a divorce and 6 months after that. 

I had been truenting from school, had attempted to unsuccessfully run away. I had started to smoke and was hanging out with the ‘wrong’ people. I was actually expelled twice in the same year which meant 3 different schools at a time when GSCEs were being chosen. Trying to fit in and make friends was really hard and I had never felt more alone. I felt like a complete loser, I was spotty and awkward, had zero confidence, had been told several times that I was stupid, ugly etc. Not just by my friends but teachers too. I remember feeling completely worthless and really didn’t see the point in being around. I didnt make anyone happy and I was not going to amount to anything so I might as well do the world a favour and just fuck off. 

The only person who seemed to remotely like me was the 22 yr old male who had been molesting me for 5 years. He was not around our house as much, but he still came round. I feel ashamed to say this, I was actually jealous of his girlfriend. I began to encourage his abuse, his attention. I remember having fantasies and dreams about him. My head was so confused and I feel completely ashamed and disgusted with myself for even admitting this. I have never told anyone. I blame myself for some of what happened to me, I wanted stuff to happen. I didn’t report him, I kept is a secret because I was scared that I would have no one at all. That I would be completely alone. 

This disgust with myself was at times more than I could bare. I started to shoplifting, smoking weed and hash, drinking. I also sold myself. I would get cigarettes, vodka and a few quid for performing sexual acts, boys and girls. No one knows this, I dont even know why I am writing this. I am so ashamed of myself, my depression completely consumed me for a long time, and actually looking back on this time, I dont think I ever got better. I think I just put on a mask. I can see the symptoms of bpd had already started back then. The depression itself came in waves and always has done. Sometimes it lasts for ages, sometimes I can fight my way through it. But BPD is different. I can see that as I write this and I am realising that the reality is that my mental health has been fucked up for a long long time and that trying to get myself better is also going to take time. 

I am 35 in a couple of months, thats a lot of years to work through, a lot of things that have happened and a lot of emotions and thoughts that have never been dealt with. I am lucky today, I have a husband who does love me even though he is not the greatest at showing it, 3 wonderful kids who drive me mad and some support from MH services, a couple of close friends and some amazing support from some special people on Twitter. I have my parents and siblings, although I dont tell them everything….I couldnt…The biggest difference from back then and now, is that feel that I am no longer alone. I finally feel that I can let things out and that there will be someone who will still be here. Having written this, I am scared that I might lose people, and I certainly will never share this with the people in real life. I couldnt.

So, thank you for reading my little ramble which has taken me on a journey I had no idea that it would. Now, I just have to find the courage to press the publish button. I know I dont have to share, but sharing makes writing worthwhile, otherwise I just delete it and feel even worse than I did before….SO I have to publish.

 

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7 thoughts on “Day 5/30 – A time where you were depressed

  1. This is such a brave thing to write, so so brave. I’m sorry you’ve had such horrible experiences – but they weren’t your fault at all. I hope you will be given the chance to work through all of this somewhere safe – you really deserve that if that’s what you want.

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    • TY for taking time to read and comment. This post really didn’t go how I had expected it to and I was a little shocked at what came out. Counselling is being organised and once I have dealt with the addiction, I should hopefully get that chance. BUT, I have to be brave enough to say it outloud and that is something which I am really crap at doing. For now, writing and support from readers and friends from Twitter is really helping xxx

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      • Saying it out loud is so hard, I’m not there yet. I’m at the stage where I can nod and answer yes or no to questions, but I can’t say the words, or start the conversation. I’ve found that writing has really helped, it’s helped me think of the words so they will be there when I’m ready to say them out loud xxx

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  2. 😥 Words cant explain how proud i am of you right now! I think you are absolutely amazing and everyday i just love you more. I meant what i said last night. Nothing you ever tell me will make me leave, it just makes me respect you more. Promise im not going anywhere! Your stuck with me im afraid 🙂 so proud! Well done beautifulllll. Love you so much xxxxxxxxxx

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    • 🙂 Thank you lovely. I am still dealing with how this all made me feel. Its been buried so deep inside it really shocked me to see it written down. Thank you for being there, for talking to me and for making me feel so accepted. I really miss you being on Twitter and cannot wait for you to be back properly. You make my days so much easier to get through. Love you very, very much xxxxx 🙂

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