To be honest I have no idea what to write. I want to write but my brain is tired. Very tired. Last night i was overwhelmed by flashing images of things which occurred when i was about 6. I don’t want to discuss this now as just thinking about it makes my heart beat increase and my breathing goes funny. It was triggered by seeing certain words on Twitter. I’m not normally triggered quite so easily but it was in a huge number of tweets and those words just started running round in my head. I tried to ignore it. I came off Twitter and went to make some tea. I had this massive urge to pour the boiling hot water over myself….i walked away and then they started. The flashing images. Confused memories that made no sense. Shadows coming at me, feelings of guilt and shame. I felt consumed by it. My head didn’t feel like mine. It was like i had gone back in time, to a younger me. Words are hard to find in this state. I can and i do try, sometimes I find them…i did manage last night but only after taking a shit load of cocodamol. It calms me and brings me back properly to the here and now. I am aware of whats going on in this state and i probably look like a freak blinking and rubbing my eyes whilst it sounds like i have just sprinted.
I think perhaps this episode was brought on by huge amounts of anxiety about the appointment i had today. I was terrified of what was going to happen when i went to see the nurse at the drug and alcohol service. I want to get clean but losing my pills I’m really not ready for that. I seem to have built up a psychological addiction to the pills as well as a physical one. I pop pills before i have to do things like shopping, the school run, going to appointments, going to bed. I take them for everything which i get anxious about because they calm me. I also take them when i get the shakes and aches because withdrawal terrifies me.
14months ago i was prescribed both cocodamol and tramadol for pain. Due to many things which i don’t want to discuss, my gp took me off the tramadol. I was addicted to it. It ran out and I went through the excruciating ordeal of having no choice but to go cold turkey and withdrawal. I cannot explain how hideous it was, i truly felt like i was dying. I never want to go through that again.
So my anxiety was really high which was added to by the fact i had to drive there. At the moment driving is something i only do for short distances and i avoid going to new places by myself. I just simply dont feel safe and i also don’t trust myself not to do something stupid like freak out.
I took cocodamol before i left to calm my nerves and navigated my way to this place successfully. Hurdle one done. Hurdle two, meeting a stranger to discuss what was in store for me and the plan of action for my addiction. The nurse was lovely and although i was nervous i felt her warmth, compassion and nonjudgmental attitude immediately and really helped calm my irrational thoughts. I wasn’t there for long. Having spoken to me, then the consultant and then me again there was a plan. Not one i had expected and i will admit i had very mixed emotions. I was disappointed and relieved. Im not sure that i had fully understood the plan and it was only through talking to my friend who works in drugs and alcohol that i was able to make sense of any of it.
What i understand is that they want to increase my prescription of cocodamol to 8 tablets a day. This will mean that I am taking safe levels of paracetamol and that my prescription will be renewed with my taking 8 daily and i will no longer have the need to supplement with over the counter cocodamol. So i no longer have to go to different pharmacies to do that. They also want to see what is going to happen tomorrow when i see the shrink. I am going to ask for my antidepressant to be upped so that the real benefit of being on this particular one can take effect. Its meant to effect two hormones rather than the more common one of an SSRI antidepressant. I know thats a confusing way of explaining it but i really can’t think of how to explain it right now.
Anyway, because of the BPD the hope with the antidepressant is that my moods can be stabilised and the psyhological need I have will be reduced. On a good day I dont take quite as much. On a bad day i take dangerous amounts, so its all down to my moods. I believe that once the venlafaxine is working properly and its agreed i am stable then they will put me on a drugs programme to help me come off. A substitute will most likely be prescribed and from our chat today i think that it will be methadone which will be dispensed daily at a pharmacy. This does not fill me with great joy i will admit.
So my relief is that i get to keep my pills, in fact i get more, they are in no hurry to stop the zopiclone and so in reality nothing has changed. My disappointment, I dont feel like progress has been made. I feel like i am standing still. I feel frustrated that once again its my fucked up head thats getting in the way. It makes me feel really pissed off and i really do feel like bashing it in. I detest my head and what it does to me and that no matter how hard i try it gets in the way.
My friend told me whilst i sobbed that she thought this was an excellent plan and that this was progress. That they were simply stabilising me before they did anything else. In essence they are trying to protect my psychological vulnerabilities before they deal with my physical addiction.
I know it should make sense, and i do feel proud of myself for getting there and being honest. But i cannot help feeling really pissed off too. My mental health seems to prevent so much in my life. I don’t really feel positive about this right now and I’m dreading telling my husband the outcome. In fact im hoping that he doesn’t ask me so i dont have to tell him. He will just be disappointed with me yet again and i can’t handle that right now. I am seeing my shrink tomorrow and am hoping more than anything she will be agreeable to upping the venlafaxine to what i need it to be at.
Trying to be happy and positive about things is fucking hard wwhen you feel like you haven’t moved in any direction. Right now i feel numb and antisocial. I want to tell the world to fuck off. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with the shit from my past, trying to live in the present whilst also thinking about the future and the fact one day it will not be so bad.
Honestly i am a negative little time bomb right now. I cannot deal with positive talk at all…im too pissed off, too emotional and likely to just completely lose it. I dont get like this often, all this anger…but right now…..i am seething with anger and frustration.