Sometimes it is really hard to understand and get to grips with how I am feeling and why I am feeling in a particular way. My moods fluctuate making the day for me and for others completely unpredictable. My moods often make no sense whatsoever. Its infuriating.
Today has not been a bad day, I have not really done much and this evening I have just hung out with my husband and kids watching tv box sets and drinking copious amounts of tea. Its been relaxing but I have slowly felt the night coming in and my mood has slowly got darker with it. Now everyone is in bed, I am wide awake and my mood has literally plummeted, I felt it just sink. I have tried to think of positive things to keep me distracted and not get so down….I work so fucking hard everyday to fight, to get better, to let go of the fucking past and not let it destroy me.
Recent events have really made me question the way I come across on Twitter, the stuff I share about myself, my feelings, the pictures I share. I have become so anxious and paranoid about everything that I literally edit my tweets a few times before I send them. I think twice about what I am going to tweet. I don’t want people to just think that I am some miserable bitch who does nothing to help herself and is just constantly complaining. I know how much this can annoy people. And I am not like that. I feel guilty for having negative thoughts and will try to write something that vaguely incorporates that but at the same time will have some positive spin on it.
Well, to be blunt, these past two weeks I haven’t really felt positive about much. I have achieved a few days of writing those challenges which have got me to think about other things, but when they are done and dusted, my other head is back, the one I have on now. But the truth of the matter is that I have been fighting suicidal thoughts, the temptation to end things is there at the tip of my fingers and sometimes the idea that this hell that I am living could be gone sounds perfect. But then I remember my family and the pain and suffering it would cause them, so I don’t do it. Instead I try to tweet some shit that will not upset people but will help distract me and focus on something else.
Believe it or not, I am someone who does believe in the positives within life and I do try to encourage my children into having lives that focus on this. And to a huge extent this does work and I have happy children, well-balanced, healthy children.
BUT, the past haunts me in a way that I cannot describe. It’s not just something I can forget. It’s not a case of putting it behind me. For about 28 almost 29 years its been hidden, not talked about and I have pushed it away again and again and again until last summer when the fucking thing came at me out of nowhere when I was driving my car. There are NO POSITIVES about what happened to me in the past. My mental health is completely fucked up and yes, I feel mad, utterly fucked off with the entire world right now.
I have spent most of my life running around trying to ensure that friends and family are OK, that their lives are running smoothly and when my life has been falling apart I have kept it hidden. My hubby and I do talk , but there are just some things that he doesn’t need to know and which I don’t want him to know. So Twitter was meant to be my escape, the place where people would understand that my saying that I was having a shit day, need to cut or was feeling suicidal would be OK….I just wanted to let it out….People don’t have to go there there to me, I dont want sympathy….COMPASSION and UNDERSTANDING….the same thing I give to others in the same position.
Tonight, the images, voices and flashbacks are from when I was 6 and 8…..How do you sugarcoat that? How can I possibly say how I am feeling….I don’t know….Just completely confused about it, I don’t understand everything and I feel so sick and dirty and see it as being my fault. I don’t want to hear it’s not my fault….I cant see that right now. I don’t see how this can ever ben changed into anything remotely positive other than just simply not talking about it and staying away.
I fight every fucking day, I fight with all I have. some days that’s not much and other days I do far greater. My problems are not just about all the abuse I dealt with…but its my mental health too. That is soooooo messed up. It’s so hard to explain it to people who don’t have it. People dismiss it so easily yet with no knowledge or understanding of the condition. There are answers everywhere, and opinions and just so many other things that my head just goes into to overdrive with all these different thoughts and feelings and I am not sure which ones are real and I should listen to and which ones are just me reacting with the BPD…NOTHING IS SIMPLE.
At the moment I hate myself so much. I tried to write a blog today which talked about the assessment for the drug programme and how I feel about it. I wanted to be honest and open about it and to a certain degree I think I achieved this. BUT, I held back….I didn’t share every single last thought I had…I didn’t want to share that I feel suicidal about things right now. That actually I would quite happily go and do a bunch of other things so that I just don’t have to feel anything any more. I really cannot cope.
I don’t know what is happening in my head, I am not sure that the venlafaxine is actually working at the dosage its at and my thoughts are really over the place. I want to cut, I want to take drugs, I want to hide all day everyday. I really don’t want to have to go out. Not because of the anxiety or any of that stuff….But because I am fucked up in my head. I can function when I have to, but I get to a stage where I just seem to lose me and this other person with few brain cells makes an appearance and all rational thinking goes out the window.
I wear a mask all day everyday around all those that I meet other than the group members from therapy….they have seen me as me and accept me as that……I don’t know how to deal with all these thoughts and feeling which just invade me. Its like I can do so much of getting rid of the poison and just when I think I have done it, there is a whole heap more to deal with.
I am tired, not completely with it right now, writing because I don’t have any other way of getting this out. I want to scream very loudly, I admit that I would willingly take any substance right now not to feel this way and I would like something to shut my fucking brain up.
I know deep down that I am not a bad person, but I have been made to feel like that and my confidence has taken a bashing. My triggers are overloaded and all my stupid fears and thoughts are all out in full force.
The one thing that I have seen very clearly in the last month or so is how big my mental health really is. How much of me it really does use up. This isn’t a condition where I can just tell myself to buck up and stop feeling sorry for myself, this isn’t something that will suddenly be easier to handle. This is a mental illness where long-term therapy is the answer, counselling, drug programmes and accepting the fact that a lot of the time, my thoughts, whilst they are in my head, they are affected by a mixture of the chemicals in my brain and the things in my environment….plus past experiences.
I feel like I have been swallowed whole by the BPD and all the little symptoms that so kindly go with it. My head is filled with ideas of cutting because that’s what I deserve….and the only way to explain this thinking is to discuss in detail things which I really don’t want to. I want to get off my face so I don’t have to feel these things and not have to think about them either and then there is the other part of me that simply wants to give up. I don’t want to have to keep talking about things, but I know this is the only way I will get better….but it turns me into such an angry 14-year-old kid…I remember feeling this way, I remember the urge to runaway, to od or cut or whatever so badly that I would have to be locked up on a psych ward….Sometimes I feel like this is where i need to be. Safe from everyone so that I can just go stark raving mad….I just don’t know what to do with myself any more and I cannot keep pretending to everyone how strong and brave I am ….I really don’t feel it. I don’t see any light any more, I have a plan for the future but that comes and goes…I just really dont know how to express how I feel properly…I feel like this is all, ahhhh, she’s feeling sad and sorry for herself……
MAYBE i do, MAYBE I think what the fuck did I do to deserve half the shit that happened to me??? WHY do I still have fucking nightmares and hallucinations???? WHY do I feel so angry all the time? Why do I feel sudden urges of rage? Why do I react the way I do? JUST FUCKING WHY……WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO??????