Today has been pretty awful. I have tried to maintain some control and keep my thoughts in check but its at times just not been possible.

My very best friend (after hubby) met when we were 15 at a youth group. I didn’t initally like her because she seemed more interested in talking to all the boys over the girls and this just made me think she was rude. We laugh about this now, because the minute we actually started talking we hit it off.

We were fairly inseparable and there were two boys that were part of the little group. My hubby and someone else. We were referred to as the 4 musketeers and they were like my family. There was nothing that we couldn’t talk about and we squabbled like siblings, but no matter what we were always there for each other. The fourth one of us sadly just outgrew us. He became an anesthesiologist and just got too big for his boots. His loss,  not ours.

Life doesn’t always go according to plan and my friend’s reltaionship with an older guy when we were 17/18 made things tough. She was nearly killed by him and because she had been manipulated we had lost contact. Our lives had become complicated, relationships and my baby just meant that we all had to go it alone for a bit.

About 2 and a bit years later we were reunited sadly because a death of someone. We talked on the phone, had had little gatherings at my house and our friendship just grew and grew.

At xmas time 2004 i was pregnant with my 2nd child. Sparing my capacity to deal with it she waited until the new year to tell me she had been diagnosed with a brain tumour on Xmas eve and that she would be having an op. I remember feeling numb all over and holding onto my bump. I didn’t know how to react, i just did it naturally, the tears just fell. Over the next 3 months my husband and i travelled up to see her as she recuperated. Heavy steriods and migraines were a part of this and because she had suffered blackouts she had her driving licence suspended.
She lived in a gorgeous little cottage and we loved going to see her.

She got stronger,  but her memory was affected, most of the things we had been through were lost. We have spent hours talking and laughing about the past and what we used to get up to. Her memories are better than they were, but she still has problems sometimes.

She is incredibly strong, shes suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts because of events which have happened since her tumour. But she has the biggest heart, sense of humour and desire to keep on going that she manages to push through. I know she struggles but she hates asking for help, support or appearing vulnerable.

That changed today. We have a little joke that we send each other to cheer the other up and to let the other one know that we are ok. She sent it to me today, but i knew that something wasn’t right. Normally a lol or smiley face might come with it. I sent back thw comment and then sent another text asking if she was ok. Bog standard yeah im fine came back to me. I was delayed slightly in answering it so i got another text this one saying that no, she had lied, some stuff about her brother and then that she had found a lump in her breast.

Today has already been shit but this just made the tears fall, uncontrollably. I feel angry that she’s going through something like this again. I was already in a bad mood, but this has just made me mad at the world. It may be nothing,  and i hope with all my heart that this is the case, but it wont take away the fear she has and that she will hide from everyone, it won’t take away what she is going to go through and how vulnerable and exposed she feels. I wish i could take this away for her, that it were me instead. I wish her life could just be straightforward for once.

My husband has just come home, i have told him. He has a bike ride planned for Sunday but he just said to me he would cancel it so we can go and see her, providing she’s not working. We may live over 3.5 hours away up a motorway, but we are the 3 musketeers and when one of us is down, the others come. Hope she’s free!

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