This is an interesting challenge as we use the word ‘dream’ in 2 ways that I can think of right now. The dreams we have at night and the ‘dreams’ we have of a more perfect world and life that we are completely aware of. In my last post I discussed where I would like to be in 10 years time.
Thinking about my actual ‘dreams’ that I have at night is quite hard as they are often incomprehensible, strange and outright bizarre. If they are not like this then they are nightmares and I dont want to talk about those in this post.
So, I have given this post some real thought and decided to focus on something which is not 10 years away, isn’t all fantastical or horrible, but something which is important to me know, but feels like a dream.
My current dream is that by the time my birthday arrives in mid August I will be in recovery from addiction, that I will be in counselling with someone that I like and can talk to, that my medication is working properly and that I am in a place where I am managing my emotions, thoughts, feelings etc. My dream is that I have begun to know the REAL me. The me I have not had the chance to know, that has had secrets and fears, that hides away, reacts ridiculously to the smallest of things, who is uncertain what food, music, clothing to like.
This may seem like a pretty boring, predictible and selfish dream, but through many hours of talking to my husband, group therapy and the assessment I had recently for counselling, I have come to understand that I have been unstable for many years and that since I was about 14, I have been lost. I have been on a sort of auto pilot. Conforming at times so that I was accepted, rebelling when the opportunity arose, settling for 2nd best because I didn’t think or believe that I was good enough.
This summer I will turn 35….20 years ago on my birthday I remember getting out of a car and just standing next to it, numb. The next thing I knew I had burst into tears, huge sobs coming from way down deep inside of me. I was just overwhelmed with massive amounts of emotion because I had not expected to reach my 15th birthday. I thought that I would be dead. The realisation that I was about to go in and celebrate my birthday was just….overpowering.
20 years on and as that day grows ever closer, I am feeling a little bit like that….I have been on the edge more times in this last year than I have ever been in my life. Each day has had some sort of challenge in it and some days those challenges have been far more than I can handle.
So my dream is that by 14th August I will be in a far better place than I am in now and that on that day I will be able to embrace the 15 year old me and tell her how far we have come. That we are no longer alone, that we are no longer ashamed with huge waves of guilt eating away, that the years of darkness and fear are no longer as consuming and that there is now hope for knowing the real us, no more pretending. This is my biggest and only real dream right now, everything else is fantasy.